May 19, 2006

I pride myself in knowing lots of things ...especially those i have no business knowing...those that make you think about nothign in particular..but you just, well, think! one thing i however, just demoted from that list of 'things i know that i know' to the 'things i know i don't know' is LOVE. i understand the love for puppies and kittens and yes, soccer, but i don't get it when it comes to a man and a woman (maybe i should try asking from a gay point of view??)

Every time i meet a man who i think i want to be wiht, it's always the same. i feel the rush, teh adrenalin, all those confusing emotions that should be felt. After we've gone through the motions and our true colours are out..then we go that so-hated period..breakup..usually the East if falling in love is the West.

I came to realize that i could control my emotions just before i got the West feeling..which i did. I simply refused (stubborn unto myself) to have expectations of the forthcoming relation.i did not expect the guy to like me as much i like him, i did not expect him to do the things i did for him, and would not go out of my way to please him. If it worked for me, then it was it. if it did not, the fuck it. (well, not really fuck it, coz that would be a good thing..)

what this led to is more of a mutual understanding..that actually worked!! this is where i began to try and distinguish love, compromise and mutual understanding. i figured that in love..you go out of your way to have the other person as happy as can be, as long as they do they same for you, otherwise, you get the short / wrong / burnt end of the rope/candle whatever the expression. which is, in a longer but simpler term, compromise. i discovered that love and compromise are mutually exclusive. mutual understanding, is what works..what is practical, without forcing issues...compromise is out. and now I'm stuck with distinguishing mutual understanding and love.but i cannot do that until i understand love..which i don't. i know the definition, but I've also come to realize that this is one of the few words that the practicality and technicality of it goes way far beyond and against the meaning it's proposed to have.

Webster and Oxford can not give it to me first hand..so I'm setting my self on a journey to experience it. i'm going to see if love and mutual understanding are different , or if one is actually a component of the other. and can a mutual understanding survive without love, or will it fail in the way love fails in the absence of compromise?

;;