July 02, 2006

Men say women are complicated I say men are fucked up. They say we say are problematical. Yeah fucking right!!! They are just too lazy to think, and only do it when it suits them. How did I come to that generalization? Same way men do. One horrible experience with one woman and all women fall into that doomed category. Now change the genders and you have your answer.

I thought I loved man. Was so full of shit that I wanted to keep him (thats what I do, I keep those who are unbearable). But he could not have me only. He wanted others too, and I was to be the Top Queen. I was, for a while, until I discovered that I deserved all, not just a portion. (Well, I knew that all along, but just (pretended that I) didnt care). I kept telling myself that if I hang in there, stayed around for a while, he might see how good I am to him and maybe leave the rest.

So finally, I walked. It hurt, it killed my very essence of love, but I lived to tell. Then I met another incredible man. One who makes me think nothing else in this world matters apart from him and I. But then, isnt that what I felt when I met the man from Down Under? Isnt this the same feeling I had? Dont ask me why I'm doing the musical chairs - dont we all always hope the next will last longer, perhaps forever?

So I call him. Big mistake, but hey I was in a career turmoil. Tell him we need to talk (about my career). He might not be prince charming, but hes a damn good Creative. Anyway, we talk my work for a long time about work, then about my future, then about work, then about his future, then about his past, his work, my work, our defunct relationship big mistake number two then come the shocker. Man wants back in. and I wonder is he for real. Well, thats pretty redundant coz I know hes not a for real man. Hes got more spunk than I can muster in 10 years...and believe you me; I'm the queen of spunk. He gave good head. he was attentive to my (sexual) needs (and I'm sure to many others). He was, in a word: Awesome. But ain't all those you cant have for keeps?

Hes seen the light, hes discovered that I'm the only person, and in this case, woman who'd stripped him of all pretenses, seen beyond the perfectly-controlled fascia, (well, everybody thinks hes got it figured out, I kno(e)w otherwise). He'd decided he wants to settle down, and his tired testosterones had showed him me. He painted this picture of how glorious our life together was and could still be, and just there and then I thanked him for such an artistic approach. I saw the gloriousness, yes, and then I saw the deceit, the hidden pain, the frustration, the need to be complete but never quite getting there, the having him there but not having him at all when I put them on a scale, glorious on one side, deceit, pain, frustration, presence with absence I don't have to say which side went so low the scale tipped over.

I tell him too late, I got a man who hell never come close to even being like, not that I want him to be anyway. And he is all-apologetic for letting me go, and wonders what itd take to make me come back. No even the rains here in Africa!! But he got me thinking. that I said no to this offer coz I got another man. That if I was all lonely and sex-starved, I would have jumped at the idea, only to go back to the same life story. He made me realize that we make the same mistakes over and over for luck of an alternative. For search of something/someone to believe in, in search of a place to belong, a comforter, a partner, no matter how short the end of the stick handed to us is.

And this greatly strips love of all the allure that its purported to have for me. If I can feel that good about one person, wipe him off my life (heart) and replace him with another completely different person, and still claim to feel the same (if not more) kind of feeling towards this new person, what kind of demented, crazy kind of emotion is that? Cant it take form or shape and settle on one? Why manifest itself as awesome and incredible on one situation (person), turn to hate and anger in the next instance with the same person, only to transfer itself to the former state, this time harder, in a different situation, to a different person? Why so fucked up? why?

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