July 26, 2006

Do you ever feel like the gods are somewhere, bored, with nothing more to create, and cant think of better ways to entertain themselves? That they are too proud to become mortals, well, who would envy such a life, especially if youre watching it from above, its like watching Jurassic park and wishing you lived there.

To entertain themselves, they put you in the middle of the ring and takes turns at assaulting you? They then set out to out do each other on a contest titled The Search of the Big Kahuna Thats what my life feels like at the moment.

Nothing I set to do is working; nothing seems to fall into place. Or maybe its falling, just not how and where I want it. Or maybe, its just falling on me which is squashing me!!

Lets take my work, for instance. I feel like hamster, aiming for that next turn that will bring me to my goal, the only different is, I actually do know I'm on a wheel, and this time round, I am actually generating power to run an organization. Ill join hamster heaven.com now!

I need a change. My worst fears have finally caught up with me, no mater how hard I've run and hidden from them. That now I have to forget passion for what I do and think about making money. I thought Id never get there, that Id always do it coz I love it, rather than coz it gives me money. But passion has proved fruitless, no mater how much I coax it, it wont pay my bills, it wont feed nor cloth me. After the climax of the job, I have to crawl back to reality and think of f how different things would be in my life if only I gave up the Robin Hood act and followed Bill to the Gates. Lets be realistic, he didnt set up his foundation thing till he was one of the richest men in the world! I wont go into a debate as to whether he set it coz he was humane enough, or coz he had more money than he could handle, or simply coz everyone was going on about how many African nations he could feed per year and such like indirect attacks.

So now I've decide to move on, make money then come back and spend that money pursuing my passion, filmmaking. Its one expensive passion, unlike golf, I get to keep the moving memories as opposed to trophies for my generation to come, till technology render the moving images useless.

Why cant we just have what we crave for? If its the case of being careful what you wish for you coz you might just get it, well, I fucking want to get it! I'm chasing my dream, and yes, I'm prepared to face the nightmares that come with it. I have no idea why some outside source has appointed itself my guardian, controller, whatever, that it knows not what I rally want with my life. And for once, I'm not ranting about my love life.


Fall into place for chrissake!

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