I have always considered my self to be one forgiving person. DVP says he knows no matter how angry I am - I get over it 5 minutes later and usually, he is right. True, I find it hard to stay angry. It's like when I get angry, I get into this dark world inside of me, torturous and very unearthly. I hate being angry, but as I write this I'm fucking pissed.
Why I am pissed? I'm pissed at men. Men who are selfish, egotistic and self centered (probably I've just outlined the same character in three words…) you get the point though. I was talking to my ex boyfriend the other day, and it hit me – he is one of those. Now, I'm not going on about this because he is my ex. No. I loved him then and I did not see past my infatuation. As all women do, I saw of him what I wanted him to be and I cannot blame him. Fault is all on me, I'm the one who dated him, after all.
I am a strong woman, very independent. Been working since I was 17 years old and by 19, I was teaching Information Technology to students my fathers' age. Now, I'm 23 years old, and a Production Manager of one of the biggest Film Production companies in Africa. By the time my ex was done with me, I did not think I was that great woman anymore. I even doubted my sexuality. Now, for those who know me, I am the type of woman who fully exploits my sensual sexuality. I never wear polo-necked, as a principle. I have great boobs, and I don't ever hide them and I'm never afraid to say it. I love sex, enjoy it and I think an orgasm is the best thing ever to happen to humankind (and pigs). No once in that whole relationship did I experience that. Why? Was a frigid?
I am the kind of girl that gets wet just by thinking about sex. I would get wet just looking at him!! And he took advantage of that. There was never foreplay. Let me not say never, there was, which was basically him inserting his fingers to see if I was really wet enough. Which reminds me, the last time we met (Dec 2006), he told me that his then girlfriend (the 2nd one after breaking up with me in Oct 2006) could not get wet. I was so tempted to point out to him why that was, but I figured, I should not be so open, especially since he was soooooo in love. One thing that gets me in trouble is my honesty. Quite I few times I have said things that should have otherwise be left unsaid.
Few months later, he got bored. Now, this is what happened with his first g/f, me, the girl after me, the girl after the girl after me. Now he has a new g/f. and I pity her. Why? Because he is the kind of guy who gets bored. The kind of guy who says he wants a strong independent woman and then turns back and says that she is pushy and he can never say no to her. And whose fault is that I ask? You want a strong woman yet you are not string enough to handle her. Paradoxes!
So why I'm pissed? (this also means angry in Kenya)
Because he is gonna fuck up every woman that he meets. He is the kind of guy who will never take you on a holiday unless it has something to do with him working. No, he cannot spend his money on a holiday unless he is getting something from m it. Go figure what kind of a lover he is. He is the kind of guy who you will give a massage and when he is all done, he says he can't give you one coz that will make his muscles all tense again!! His g/f wants to go to school far way. He is thinking of telling her to wait a while coz of their relationship. He wants her to postpone it for one year coz if she moves away to school; their r/ship will suffer. Now, they will be separated by a 2 hour flight or less. Well, as you know, he would never fly there to see her. Now, there are men who I know I would let any other woman drop he life for, but not this one. I pity her. He thought it was a great idea for me to quit my job and work with him, when he broke up, he says he did not ask me to quit my job. Maybe, Maybe not. Now as I listened to him talk about her, I was taken back to when we had the same conversation about us. About me making more money with him than I was making, and the opportunity I had with him, and my heart ached for that poor woman. And any other woman who meets that type of man.
I never knew how true the saying that women should try and find out what happened in their boyfriends' last r/ship since it gives them a base on theirs, until I broke up with him. And I realized that he is always going to be that way. If his getting bored had happened with one woman, then that could be excused. But 4 women!!! I seriously doubt if it was the women's fault when such a figure is presented. All of them ranged from waitresses, to IT consultant, to Production Manager and many more. He told me he is scared of commitment once we broke up. And I thought. Gee, thanks, for letting me know. But don't you think this is the sort of information you should have told me when we met?????????
Well, it's done, some woman is going to get hurt soon and there is nothing we can do about it. Such is that nature of life.
And once again, another woman will hurt, hate herself and hope that she will have the courage to love again, if her self esteem is not so down trodden.