By now, I should have answered that question. By the time I turned twenty, got a job and became a mother, I should have had an idea of what I was all about. But no, things are not usually that clear cut, and some of us take ages to discover ourselves. Discover is not the right word to use, it's more of awareness of myself as a human being, as a woman, as a lover. I'm allergic to change, especially because I'm shitless scared of failure. The idea that my life, or the world I have built around me coming down in front of my eyes is greater than my fear of dying and darkness. I get that cold shiver down my spine every time i see dominoes fall, one piece unbalancing the next, all happening so fast... as that is how i look at my life. A game of dominoes that I have to keep a close eye on just in case someone sets in motion the first piece.
One of the worst feelings for me in the world, is the feeling of helplessness. The feeling that I can do nothing about the situation, everything is out of my power and will... not that I have that much power over anything. That is not to say that I do not love challenges. Quite to the contrary. I push myself too hard sometimes, and I set unrealistic goals too. They are usually unrealistic at the time of setting them, but by and by, I do realize them. A while back, I lost my handbag in a pub. We were 4 of us on the tale, and somehow, someone walked away with my handbag, which at that time, contained my two phones, my wallet which houses all my banks cards, My ID card, GPRS modem and KES 20,000. ($310). This could have happened at a worst moment that that! Lars and I were running out of money - strike that - were out of money. Despite being broke, we were planning for a holiday at Lake Elementaita Lodge for the weekend, just before he left. Now with the money gone, along with the fact that I had to replace most of the items that were in that handbag urgently, the getaway was off. We spent a while looking for the bag, and thirty minutes later, we gave up. We left the pub for another one and went on to party the whole night. One of my friends who was with us, Ann, later told me that she was still awestruck at how I handled the whole incident. It amazed her, that even after loosing all that, I took it in stride, went out and had absolute fun. What's my secret, she wanted to know. I told her about my mantra. Years back , I came across this:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time...
Those must be the most intelligent words that have ever been spoken. And I explained to Ann, using examples of situations she had gone through.... it made sense to her. I could see her getting enrolled.. and it was satisfying to know that i had saved my friend years of worry about things she cannot change. I give advice, my friends are always asking me what to do... and it always sounds so mature and nice when I tell them. Truth is, I rarely listen to myself. I worry about things I have no business worrying about, and I still try to lock the barn door long after the horse has bolted.
I have been thinking about what I want to do five years from now, and the sad fact is, I have not decided yet. I have never had the thought that I'm young hence loads of years ahead for me to think about my life. A while back, I explained what happens when you get too busy making a living. The last thing I want is to wake up one day when I'm 40 and wish I had lived my life more, I had enjoyed my youth more, I had.. I had.. I had.. and so fr, I've had none of that. Most of the decisions I made did not augur well with the people in my life and I learnt early that the only happiness that matters in this world is mine. I know that is a very selfish thing to say, but an unhappy person cannot bring happiness to any another. If anything, he / she brings that deathly sense of gloom and foreboding. Same applies to love. Love your self first, and only then can you obtain the capacity to love others.
I have said enough.