Originally posted on my former blog on 19th Sept 2007
So I turned 24 today. well, I feel no different that I did one year ago, except the fact that time like this, one year ago, I was in Mombasa, and my then looser boyf(r)iend had just decided that he did not want to be serious anymore. Anyway, that was birthday present from him. Asshole
Anyway, I was talking about my aging and my mental state. which is not normal, by the way, and never want it to be. Normal is boring, is mundane, is predictable and runs on a set course. I hate that. Do I know more? yes, but growing up is a process, and waking up 24yrs today does not mean that I am wiser, at least not today. It's what I have amassed in the one year it has taken for me to move from one digit to the next. It's what I have picked up on the way here, what I have taken with me, what I have been hurt by and moved on, what has touched me and lost it, what I have now that I did not have then. It's the people I have met, people whose impact in my life has left me feeling in a certain way on another, whether apathetic, energetic, motivated, lethargic, crushed or simply loved.
I have reached a point where I do not want to know more. Not that I feel I know all there is to know. I don't think anyone can truly attain that kind of knowledge. It is because I'm scared. Scared of what the information I have in me so far is affecting me and the decisions that I make in life. Scared that I'm being ruled by what i have put in my mind, that has now moved to my subconscious, and directly or indirectly dictates how I live my life. I want to be in control. I want to make decisions that I deem are fit for me, without basing it on the tried and tested. I want to make mistakes, I want to learn from them. I do not want to be stopped by the activities running through my head, like an alter ego, always contracting me, reminding me of what I heard about something / someone, or why I should not do something because of what will happen or the effects of my actions on me and others. Not that I don't care what happens to others in consequence of my actions, but if we all face the fact, we all look out for our own personal gains, our own survival, our own sustainance. (my thesaurus does not recognize that word.. so I'll assume that it does not exist. It works though..
That being said, I don't want to know more. So I made a conscious choice not to watch any news, local or international. I don't want to know who killed who, I don't want to know who rose to power where, I don't want to know how high the prices of oil has gone in the Middle East. Not that I wont hear these issues from others around me, but it easier to ignore it when it comes up, other than consciously look for the information.
Wish me luck in my ignorance quest.
Originally posted on my former blog on 24th Sept 2007
Sometime two weeks ago, it hit me that I have never celebrated a birthday since I became my own person, my own person meaning since I moved out of home... which is since I was 19 years old. I know that does not seem like a long time ago to most people, but to me, it means a great deal.
So I had a light bulb moment. Pool Party. And this light bulb stayed on for a while until I remembered that I needed a pool to do that, and the filament suddenly blew. Darkness, but the idea still blossomed. So I set out to scout, true Producer style, for a location. We call it Recce. Being the optimist that I am, I even set a date and told all my friends about it. My b/day was on Wed 19th but that's hardly a day for a proper party. This is how a typical or atypical conversation would go like.
Pal: Hey Merc, What u doing for your birthday
Me: Pool Party.
Pal: Nice, where?
Me: On Saturday 22nd, No idea where.
Since I'm known as crazy already, that answer was quite satisfactory for most of them. Lunches are good. Especially those business lunches... When I'm done convincing myself, I'll get to you. I've been trying to get out of a business lunch for the longest time possible, and finally, I contended. The result of the lunch was a pool offer! 4 days to the party, and viola! I love Me(rcy). I had booked the DJ, the two goats for barbeque, alcohol, the works. So now it was to invite, and to confirm stuff. I have never thrown a party before; no one told me that it is stressful. People should be organizing parties for others so that we, the party owners, can enjoy the frigging thing!!
The party was set to start at 5.00pm. I was there at 2 pm to make sure evening worked. I was on phone with the DJ, the Meat guys and the alcohol guys, all at the same time!! Then, as usual, anything, and I mean, anything that could possibly go wrong, started to. There was no grill for the barbeque. I have two rusted grills in the house, which I had mentioned to my pal who was in charge of buying the goats and slaughtering them that I had two grills but had not been used in since Noah left the Ark. He had promised to get others. At 4.30pm, still nothing. So I reminded him about the grills at home. 'Why didn't you say so?' The old cliché about men and listening was once again proved beyond humanoid imagination. So we took off, to my house, which is an hour away. And oh, the alcohol had not been picked, could we pick it on the way to your house. This is when I just stare, because no amount of words would do justice to the emotions inside. And Usually, people just wish I had said something, anything. Oh, by the way, nothing that big or significant, we also had to stop to pick some truck tires (dare you ask), and stop every 15 or so minutes so that they can suck the petrol through some pipe in the engine. no, it was not a prelude to getting drunk, the car would just stop, and that was the remedy. Then the watchmen would not let me out of my flats compound with the grills, because my housemate had not told them that I would be leaving with the grills. But I live here, it is my house! I said calmly. I know that, he said but so-and-so did not tell us you would be leaving with the grills. Why does he need to tell you and this is my house as much as it is his? I asked, now getting a tad angry. But he has not told us. he said. I blew a fuse. You effing open this gate now or you will be sorry. I was shouting, and I did not care. It was 6.30pm, I was not at my party, and already 15 people were there!! And the DJ had just told me that he has not yet picked his equipment! my pal, who was driving, took my phone called my housemate then handed me the phone. All I said was. If you don't tell this asshole to open the gate...then I handed...well, threw the phone at the watchman. 10 seconds later, we were speeding out of the gate. When I get the chance, the watchmen will hear me out. I'm not done, not by a long shot, no SSiiRR!
Short version, I made it to my party, only to find out that there was no power. Good thing, I have patient pals. they were still there, drinking what they had brought. Most of them were too drunk to realize that they were using candles and moonlight, and that there was no music.
At around 9 pm, the lights came back, the DJ arrived and the people were happy. Gordon, the DJ, my fav DJ of all time, one I could have killed just then for being late, played I'll Be, maybe to make me mellow up a bit. It worked, because minutes later, I was in my bikini and diving into the pool.
The next event did not necessarily happen in the order I will tell it. a girl was thrown into the pool. she was very very drunk, and now that I think about it, I don't think she can swim. But she landed next to me, and started flattering around. the guy who had thrown her into the pool was next to her. she was going up and down the water, and that must have been the most bizarre swim style I've ever seen. I say this because some guy had the nerve to say that he thought she was swimming. Suddenly, her arms were around my neck from the back. she was pushing me under, to act as her buoy. I can be underwater for a while, but this was getting dangerous. Especially because her arms around my neck were getting tighter. She was choking me, and I could not hold my breath while being choked. I tried to come up several times but she kept pushing me under, this time, with her legs around my waist. As you can imagine, this was pushing me under completely. Girl is strong. All the stories of people who are very good swimmer drowning while rescuing others were flooding in my head. Vividly. I told myself, do not Panic, Do not panic. Relax. Then I told myself, what the fuck are you talking about, I'm going to drown. Then another thought. I'll drown on my birthday party. Then in a weird twist of thoughts, I thought about Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Do not panic and the towel is the most essential thing to have. I know, I'm weird, especially when it looks like I'll die. My head was suddenly very heavy. My chest hurt really sharp pain in my chest. I must no open my mouth, I thought. And most of all must fight urge to breath. I was blacking out. It was like that feeling I get when am about to fall asleep, the one which am aware of what is around me, but I'm not quite part of it; the one where I feel like I'm being pulled towards a certain cushion of thousands of clouds as soft as balls cotton wool. I had to fight it. So I relaxed, stopped struggling to get up for air. I had tried once to remove her hands from around my neck, but that had meant that I could not use my hands to stay afloat. And with the legs around my waist, using me as a hoist to the surface meant my legs were useless to kick and push me up. Imagine giving a piggyback ride underwater while being choked. Mhh. I dived under, taking both of us deeper in to the pool. I have no idea why I did that, but it worked. She released me, maybe so she could use her arms to flap about. I had this feeling that if I surface; she would go for me again. So I saw underwater. Truth be told, we were not that far from the edge of the pool, but it looked like miles and miles to me. Finally, I touched the wall, and I surfaced! I opened my mouth and I breathed Oh precious air! but my mind was foggy and I could not focus. I was thinking. I almost drowned, she is going to die, it's my birthday party, no one is aware, wait, the guy she was with is swimming away from her, I'm going to black out, or am dying and this is not such a bad death, there is not pain, I want a towel, the DJ is playing 'Why can't I breath' by Liz Phair, weird! (And more weird that I noticed) is Lars going to cry? He loves me; it's not fair so maybe am not dying because I love him (that last part was confusing.) So I fought to concentrate, and I saw that people were aware that she was drowning. No one was making a move to do anything though. It was up to me. Not fucking again, I thought. Then a funny thought occurred. God will really get pissed you are using that kind of language when you should be imploring him to save you. Then I thought, I thought 'pissed' instead of 'angry' so maybe I'm helpless after all. Hooking my fingers into the drainage slates on the edge, and positioning my legs firmly on the wall of the pool, I stretched out and reached to her. I was scared that she would pull me back. it was then, or never. I’m not saying I was prepared to drown, but I knew that if I lost my hold on the edge and lost my footing, and she pulled me, I would not have the strength to fight again.
Somehow, I got hold of her by the arm and pulled her towards me. She was not fighting anymore. I got her to the edge and hoisted her up, to where other people were waiting. How ironic that they were waiting! They pulled her out. I remained in the pool. My arms folded across on edge, my head between then, my feet dangling inside. She was now lying face down, and I thought, she is not supposed to be lying like that. She is supposed to be face up, make sure she is breathing, remove water from her lungs... or whatever, she is out and I want to sleep.
Anyway, that aside, we went back to partying. She went back to drinking. I'd want to know if she remembers the incident. We danced, had meat and more meat, then I had to rush out to but more booze. In the Supermarket, I met these two guys in the booze section. Being the wild one that I am, I asked them if they wanted to come to my party. Sure, one said, where. I gave them directions and thought they were kidding. Five minutes after getting back, they arrived!!! I now had more than 100 people in my party, and the scary thing, I knew more than half of them! I had no idea I knew so many people! (Either I’m that popular or the meat and the booze made me popular that day)
I had the best party ever, and even though it left me virtually and practically broke, it was worth it. We finally left for home at 6.30am and not after the police came to ask us to cut the music and go home. We cut the music and continued swimming. On our way home, we came across this car, packed at a junction with the hazards on. On close inspection, the Driver was asleep, his head resting on the window frame of his door. After a good laugh, I stepped out of our car, walked barefoot to them and woke the driver, who had two other guys in the car with him, all out. When we got home, my housemate fell asleep in the car in the parking lot, as he always does, as my other pals and I went on to get some sleep. We woke up in later in the afternoon, cooked, watched movies, drunk the remaining booze from the party, and the stash that always in the house and played strip poker. For gal who does not drink, I sure do spend a lot of time with booze.
Yeah, I had fun, I said I'll never have another party coz of the stress involved, but I think I'm just kidding. The phone calls I got yesterday proved that I can actually throw an awesome bash!!! It is addictive! And most of all, I really wished the love of my life, my DVP was there. Would have made it perfect, if not a % closer to...
I actually left out the part where some woman wanted to confront me with a 'You want my boyfriend' kinda of thing, which I can’t stand. Needless to say, one of us had to leave, and guess who!