To help reduce the amount of ignorance that Americans, eer sorry, rest of the world has for Kenya and the rest of Africa, I will dedicate the next couple of posts to the Africa Awareness. No, I will not hold sessions and workshops to educate them, I will post some of the most stupid questiions ever asked, and the equally stupid answers they recieved.
These questions about Kenya were posted on a Kenyan Tourism portal and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Kenya ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Mombasa to Nakuru - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres....take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Kenya ? (Sweden).
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Kenya ? Can you send me a list of them in Nairobi and Mombasa? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in Kenya ? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not ...oh forget it! Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Koinange Street. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Kenya ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Kenya ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Do you have perfume in Kenya ? ( France)
A: No. We don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Kenya? (USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Kenya where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Kenya ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Kenya ? ( Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Nairobi and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Kenya who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Kenyan snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in Kenya in 1969 and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Mombasa. Can you help? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Thanks to the divemaster, Simon R.