Love - A topic I (should) Hate

I pride myself in knowing lots of things ...especially those i have no business knowing...those that make you think about nothign in particular..but you just, well, think! one thing i however, just demoted from that list of 'things i know that i know' to the 'things i know i don't know' is LOVE. i understand the love for puppies and kittens and yes, soccer, but i don't get it when it comes to a man and a woman (maybe i should try asking from a gay point of view??)

Every time i meet a man who i think i want to be wiht, it's always the same. i feel the rush, teh adrenalin, all those confusing emotions that should be felt. After we've gone through the motions and our true colours are out..then we go that so-hated period..breakup..usually the East if falling in love is the West.

I came to realize that i could control my emotions just before i got the West feeling..which i did. I simply refused (stubborn unto myself) to have expectations of the forthcoming relation.i did not expect the guy to like me as much i like him, i did not expect him to do the things i did for him, and would not go out of my way to please him. If it worked for me, then it was it. if it did not, the fuck it. (well, not really fuck it, coz that would be a good thing..)

what this led to is more of a mutual understanding..that actually worked!! this is where i began to try and distinguish love, compromise and mutual understanding. i figured that in love..you go out of your way to have the other person as happy as can be, as long as they do they same for you, otherwise, you get the short / wrong / burnt end of the rope/candle whatever the expression. which is, in a longer but simpler term, compromise. i discovered that love and compromise are mutually exclusive. mutual understanding, is what works..what is practical, without forcing issues...compromise is out. and now I'm stuck with distinguishing mutual understanding and love.but i cannot do that until i understand love..which i don't. i know the definition, but I've also come to realize that this is one of the few words that the practicality and technicality of it goes way far beyond and against the meaning it's proposed to have.

Webster and Oxford can not give it to me first hand..so I'm setting my self on a journey to experience it. i'm going to see if love and mutual understanding are different , or if one is actually a component of the other. and can a mutual understanding survive without love, or will it fail in the way love fails in the absence of compromise?

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I(a)dio(ul)ts huh?

You might have gotten me wrong when i talk about wedlock. I just hate the context in which that word is applied. it is made to look as if it is the (insit)u(t)nion that justifies sex. not that it stops anyone from wandering...to me, it just provides the sand for the fidelityphobic persons to bury their head in...or that proverbial blade of grass.

I'm not pointing fingers, and merely pointing accusatory fingers!

What amazes me is the extends that people (adults) will go to direct those fingers to us (so called-young-ones) yet they are the same men who will grab the nearest 3 year old girl (including their daughters). Which is worse, me getting babies out of wed(ding)lock or them defiling babies. why is it that what (we) young people do is blown out of proportion and everything they do is played cool and actually 'deliberated upon'? What kind of shyte is that???

I'm done being docile today, tomorrow i start ranting...

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Anarchist or Rebellious

I have spent my life being the kid who turned out wrong. the one who did not listen. what they did not know is that i was more than listening, i was analyzing what i was supposed to listen and adhere to.

I talk closet to home, that means i give the most practical examples to everything i refer to. and in this case, i take on my parents. they had the idea of what i should be (like) long before i was born, and i can trace this to the fact that their parents too had it for them. and since they did not become who they should have (become) they set on a psychological journey of reflecting the(ir) unfulfilled dreams on me.

I had my own, and worse still, i kno(e)w how to use it. and use it i did. I defied. Now, Defy, Rebellion - are a words i like, because their meanings shows what i (have to) spen(nd)t my life proving. it 's like having your cake and eating it, only this time, the cake got poison.

The verb defy has 3 meanings:

Meaning #1: resist or confront with resistance
Synonyms: withstand, hold, hold up

Meaning #2: elude, esp. in a baffling way
Synonyms: resist, refuse
Antonym: lend oneself (meaning #1)

Meaning #3: challenge
Synonym: dare

Rebel(llion) has deeper and more meanings that i wont subject you to. But my point here is, you never push against blank or nothingness, you do not resist vacuum, you resist an exertion of a form of push / power or any establishment that hinders a movement in the direction you are geared to.

And that is where i confront with resistance any form of organization that seeks to veer me from my intended purpose.

I am the girl who never believed in 'giving birth in wedlock' and that made me bad. Let's look at wedlock. It is comes from two words Wed and lock. we all know what wed means, then we know that lock (ed) is not so pleasant a situation to be in.Whoever said i had to give birth inside a locked up institution called wed(ded, ing)? and just by the fact that he (whoever) said it, who is the judge that that is the 'correct path' to take (to give birth). and what makes it the correct path , anyway, if a 'correct path' actually does exist in the first place! i think the reason as to why such things, like giving birth were not made a community (group) activity is because nature (or God if you believe) knew that a person had the ability to make a simple decision like when and when not to. it beats me where people get off telling me (others) what and when to use their bodies (for anything)! of what effect is my conception got to do with the society? tell me. it's mine, let me worry about it!

Gotta (pretend to)work....rant soon...

http://www.insurgentdesire.org.uk/jensen.htm)

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Right Bitch

It's been a while since i said anything here. not that i have nothing to say, but coz i simply did not know how to break it down.

So, you all wondering about my non-existent love life. so this is where i correct you...i have a very active love life...with myself! It's all been about giving an pleasing the other person in my life, neglecting me. I then discovered that i barely know myself, barely know what makes me laugh, what makes me tick...hell, I didn't even know I had the ability to arouse myself!!!

It's the stuff i learn everyday about myself that make me wonder how much time we spend wondering if you are the right person and trying to make yourself be, instead of concentrating on what makes you happy, whether or not you are the right person or not.


Gotta get back to work...of pleasing meslef

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My faithfuls...

I went out yesterday, the survey dates that i take myself for. My pick, a nice pub that plays Rock on Thursdays.. Tough luck i have is the lie that i tell myself that i will walk in there and meet a face..

Waht happens when i walk thru the door? I know the bouncer, I know hte waiters...(so thoase i ignore and dont say hello).. Befoer i locate an empty seat, i have 5 voices calling out my name!!That told me something, either am known by man people, or am just famous amoung drunks!!!It's not a bad thing to be known (even by pub-aholics) it's the paradox that comes with it. I don't take alcohol!! I'm as sober as a (let me Google that simile)...Where do i gt off being a celebrity among them? So i wave at my faithfuls(what i call those men who cant just take a wave for a hi and have to hug and hold longer...) and sit as far away from them as possible...the counter...Big mistake!!!I'm now on open space, vulnerable to irritating vultures who can't talka whole sentence without making me want to reach fro my umbrella..anywa, i'm so good at fending them off, my faithfuls always complain that i don't have any use for them....:-

(To cut this crap, i eye sonme guy who after few glances joins me..J.H. Christ, i have never talked to someone who would rather listen to their own voice!! He asks me a question, interupts my answe and answers the qn and this goes on for a while until i geeeet up and move to sit with a faifthul who is all alone..Only to lear later that our One-Man Conversationalist (OMC)has told one of my faithfuls that he thinks am a slut coz am talking to everyone(read: men), and am alone in the pub... and my faithful wants to punch his nose off him...(kisses Micheal, that was awesome)

Anyway, i stop the fight, not coz i mind men fighting over me, esp being defended(now he cant compalin i have no use for him) but it raining outside and i don't want this OMC thrown out in the rain at midnight...The faithful i moved to sit wiht is a wt blanket in all aspects of that phrase. nothing to him works, nothing to him is a good idea...everything sucks(well, apart from his)...and he thinks www.myspace.com is bull, and www.blogger.com is the thing...

So, me the challenge lover logged in here today to see how it goes....

So far? mhhh

DA

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What I know

Everything in my life(and yours too) falls into 3 categories:

1. Things that I know that I know (I was born...)

2. Things that I know that I don't know (How many times i can achieve orgasm in one night)

3. Things that I don't know that I don't know (now, I wouldn't be able to give examples now would I? if I would, then it moves to the 2nd category)

And every time I wish I didn't know the things I know...information is power, so said a pal of mine when I was a teenager, which has been a guide to me through the years. What he didn't say, because he didn't know... (maybe this falls in the 3rd category for him) is that it is also destructive. The more you know, the more sentinel we become. The more informed I get, the more paranoid I become, bred by what I've fed my mind with.

The mind, being the stupid absorbent thing it is, interprets and relates unrelated events into one big complex twist...that's why I can't watch a horror movie and sleep alone (with the lights off) that night.

I'm in the film business, I know all about SFX, animation and all..but I still get scared. Why? Because my mind has related the movie and woven it into my life...I get into this obscure world of mine, by reading. Then I discovered that when am done with the book, and am out of the world, I KNOW MORE!!! I'm escaping the information by gathering more. I wanna get out of my mind, not know...I wanna get off all the information in me, wipe the slate clean!!!

x

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Subconscious vs Concious

I was thinking about the things i do..the things that others define as 'Typical Dark Angel'. and i wondered, how much of my actions is based on what i am, the me without the crowd?

Is there a certain way i would behave or act if the world was oblivious to the behavioural patterns of it's occupants (am regarding the world as the 'always up your ass judge to rep everybody')

Do i act the way i do to defy the societal norms and codes of regulations (defiance) or is that me in another world, regardless?

Is my subconscious telling my conscious that i have to fight to stay at the top,pushing down the tidal waves and waters of behavioral science, to avoid drowning or to simply avoid swimming along like the rest? Am i defying set codes or am i defying uniformity and sameness? Am i trying to be different in a good way, to establish uniqueness, or am i trying to provide the world with a situation to analyze and deal with?

Ok,

How was your day...it's raining here today....and in case you're wondering, my body temp is FINE!

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