Paris Hilton in Rwanda

Socialite Paris Hilton arrived at the Hôtel des Milles Collines late Tuesday night after an 18 hour flight from JFK to Kigali’s International Airport. She arrived without the speculated loads of luggage; all ten pieces had been mistakenly sent to the Seychelles. The heiress found replacement clothing in the hotel’s souvenir shop; she wore Rwandan beer Mutzig and Primus t-shirts for the remainder of her week.

Though not well known in Rwanda for whatever it is that she does, Hilton’s name caused some apprehension in the small country. Rwandans still hold France responsible for its troubles and are not fond of French expatriates. Many learned with some relief that Hilton is American, and with some surprise that she does not actually speak French.

First on her itinerary was to visit an orphanage where she and the ministers of education and health took pictures with selected orphans. She spent around 15 minutes passing out tootsie pops, Bratz® dolls and lip-gloss to eager young girls. But when the orphans began to eat the strawberry flavored lip-gloss and play football with the Bratz® heads, it was time to go. She moved on to an AIDS clinic in downtown Kigali where her experience as a medical assistant on The Simple Life came to no use. The socialite looked uncomfortable and pensive as she spoke with dying patients about how her difficult time in a California prison had inspired her to help Rwandans by having their picture taken with her.
The wives of many ministers told Hilton that she looked fat and happy. Her eyes brimmed with tears through many interviews with local journalists who also exclaimed how très grosse she was. She was overheard whispering to her entourage that Rwandans were the rudest people she had ever met.

An interpreter explained to her that fat was actually a compliment and that it was a good thing because it meant she didn’t have AIDS. The interpreter did not explain the truth, which was that many Rwandans strongly believed that she in fact had AIDS both because of her thin frame and her reoccurring film roles.

Before leaving for Africa, Ms. Hilton was quoted as saying she would help Rwandan children by “bringing attention” with her. She would bring the attention; others would do the philanthropy. But for once the paparazzi did not want to follow her. Her own camera crew was left with very little footage of the heiress doing anything but looking pretty. In order to get the attention such a journey deserves, Hilton has bought airtime on E! to turn her “safari” into another reality show. Rwandan orphans replace simple Arkansas country folk as extras on another season of The Simple Life.

Hilton wanted to go on safari before leaving Africa but was told that most of the big game in Rwanda had been eaten during the civil war. She concluded her trip to the motherland by making a stop in South Africa to shop for diamonds and go on a wine-tasting tour. There she experienced a terrible reaction with her mefloquine and alcohol and promtly fell over and died.

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What's wrong with Australian Scientists?

No publicity is bad publicity. Ask Paris Hilton. Ok, bad advice, she'll probably tell you how dressing a chihuahua in an outfit matches yours is the best way to get on CNN. or sleeping with someone else's husband, or DUI, or making a reality show on all the above.

But all that will be good ways of getting publicity, compared to what I saw in the news today. Since Heath Ledger is dead, and the fact that the land Down Under can milk on the publicity the Tasmanian Devil cartoon character for only so long, they had to some up with ways to remain on the news. I think I would resort to such measures if my country was tucked away - no, that is too nice - crammed and stashed away in the end of the universe, faced with a prominent fear of being forgotten. A long time ago, they decided to be a continent, thus clinching the title of 'Smallest Continent'. That goes with the title of the 'Worst Places to Visit'. No, not by me. By Wikipedia. I swear. Don't believe me? Click Here.The argument behind this (no, not argument behind the reason why it's one of the worst places to visit- no one knows why for that one, it just is) is because the island sits on it's own tectonic plate. Not gonna go into that, don't know what it is, if you care, Google it. I dislike anyone who uses hard words to confuse me. I refuse to be intimidated by tectonic plates, or any other plates for that matter. They used that same hard (plate) word on Greenland when those freezing dudes up there wondered why they were not a continent too. Told them that they shared wildlife with North America while OZ had Kangaroos...in your face!!! I'm sure they said, and sent this post card (as displayed in the Greenland Museum of The Continental Status Quest)

If we were to, say by some sort of really really bad luck, agree with OZ argument for being a continent, then Madagascar should as well be! Apparently, of the 10,000 plants indigenous to this African Island, 90% are found nowhere else in the world. (that includes Australia, by the way). 90%! I'll do the math for you. That is a total of 9,000 plant species. Did you hear that Australia? Of course you did not, you're too far down in the hemisphere. Why do i even bother?

Talking of things indigenous to countries and continents brings me back to the Australian scientists. They used to, along long time ago, have an animal called the Tasmanian Tiger. This animal became extinct, maybe because they made it a delicacy. I don't know. Whatever the reason, the want to bring it back to life. And they have. Only this time, with some mouse elements in it. And it looks like this. (Disclaimer - Viewers discretion advised. Contains Nudity, Sex, Violence , a mouse, a Tasmanian Tiger and nothing else. If you don't see how sex is involved, you're probably too stoned. Animal Rights Activists will surely see the Violence. If you can see the Mouse, please save it. If you can see the Tiger, Kill it.)

Try as i may, i cannot come up with one good reason as to why they did that. Australians are not concerned that that is how their tax money is spent, if they are, well, they are too far for the rest of the world to hear them. I'd welcome Nate Smith to give me ten reason why he thinks they did though. And I'd welcome any mice lovers to hold demonstrations on behalf of the mice. And I'd ask Douglas Adams whether mice will still take over the world, at this rate, they really should, and start with OZ while at it.

And to the Aussies, please do not call that thing a Tiger, Tasmanian or not, whatever you do, please don't. (as requested by Tigers Association of the World)

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