Where Have I been?

So I have been MIA from my blog for over a month. I have been trying to recover. I would tell you where I have been, but the media captured it way better.

BREAKING NEWS

Dateline Saturday January 07, 2009

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Myrtle Beach

Kenya Woman Abducted By Aliens

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina resident Dark Angel was recently found wandering by a ranger in the state forest. According to ranger Tom Rickelsohn, she appeared to be in a daze and kept repeating "Best worst I ever had". Upon further questioning it was determined that Ms. Angel had gone camping thirty three days previously, and thought it was the following day. Unable to account for the thirty three days, Ms. Angel was taken to Myrtle Beach General Hospital where she underwent a battery of tests to determine the cause of her apparent confusion.

Ms. Angel's physical examination turned up no clues, although she complained of some soreness during her nasal examination. Ms. Angel was also subjected to a battery of psychiatric tests which also turned up no clues, although the examining psychiatrist was overheard mumbling "dumber than a cinder block" as he left the examination room.

Local UFO investigator Peter Smithwyche heard about this case and contacted Ms. Angel who agreed to meet with him. After a brief interview, it was decided that hypnotism might unlock the secrets of those missing 33 days. Mr. Smithwyche called in a registered hypnotist, Dr. Marie Galson to place Ms. Angel in a hypnotic trance for questioning. The following is an excerpt from the transcript of that session:

Dr. Galson: What are you doing now?

Ms. Angel: Drinkin' beer and eatin' smores.

Dr. Galson: Describe the area.

Ms. Angel: Trees, campfire, lake. Dere are bright lights coming across da lake. Dey stop over me. I'm goin' up into da light.

Dr. Galson: What happened next?

Ms. Angel: I am floatin' inta some kinda examinatin room. I have no contol over my body. Dey are bendin' me over some kinda table.

Dr. Galson: Who are they?

Ms. Angel: Small grey men wit big eyes. Lotsa dem, an' dey all nekkid as jaybirds! OWWW! DAT HURTS!

Dr. Galson: What hurts?

Ms. Angel: My nose! OWWW! OWWW! No Stop! OWWW! Stop! OWW! OOHH! Don' Stop!

The session transcript continues on much like this for several hours. Was Dark Angel really abducted by aliens? And if so, what did they hope to find? Or was Ms. Angel just in an alcoholic blackout for thrity three days? To her credit, she did produce a this picture that she claimed she found next to her when she woke up.

We've presented the evidence - the answer is for you to decide.

Story by Remik Johnson

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Ooh! You fell off the chair! Sorry about that. Anyway, I have been setting up something that i hope works out. And it will with your help.... my Ebay Store!

Tell yah' it aint easy!

We also get abducted here

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A dose of my favourite stand-up comedian

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004


More stand-up comedians target="_blank">here

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Wordless Wednesday #3 - A Zimbwabe Cheque

More cheques coming your way

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Wordless Wednesday #2

Bottle opener gifts I don't want for Christmas



Though you can get me something from here here

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Two for the road...

That is why a firewall is important.




Save this one for Sunday


Have a fab weekend!

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I'm an unsatisfied woman

So I went to a store that sells husbands where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So I walk in.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
I read the sign and say to myself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up I go.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

I remark to myself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up I go again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" I say. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" I exclaim, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again I head up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor I go.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

This post was inspired by The Journey Man before i stole it and posted it here.

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When I steal..

... I do let you know that I have. Today's post is stolen from a funny guy Papua New Guinea. Yep, I go that far.

Here goes...

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction-less. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

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Things i wish i said to...

My boss:















Church Ministers:


Canadians:



My parents:

My geek pal


My high school arithmetics teacher:

Catholic (Irish) Women:

My boyfriend (when he pisses me)

That annoying bitch
That rude waiter (ess):


My Ex boyfriend:


What I'm saying to (all) bloggers:

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Bet you didn't know that I'm a serial killer...

...of all things funny.

I claim I have a humour blog and even go as far as advertising it as such but every one knows i can't tell a joke to a 2 year old. I'm the kind that tells a joke and the garbage takes itself out. Yes. It walks away, preferring to be out there in the cold street, than listen to my flimsy attempt at making others laugh. And laugh they do. Laugh at what the joke might have been, at the purpose the joke-god had invented it to serve.

They never laugh at me. Because they know that I don't wear this t-shirt for lack of a fashion sense or lack of something else to wear.


Some people over at BC think I'm funny, which doesn't say much for their sense of humour. Either that or they accidentally saw this on my door.

Rob might have caught on this and sought to expose me. However being the chicken that he is (not) , he disguised it as a blog post with a collection of jokes from BC-ers. He even had the nerve to post it here. Guess which is one is my contribution, come back here and let me know if you laughed. I'll tell you what i think about you (and your sense of humour)

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Men's Guide to Bra sizes

A friend of my boyfriend forwarded this a while back. Thought I' should share - for the sake of all my men readers out there.

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A weekend of funnies

I have nothing planned this weekend, and experience has taught me that those are the best weekends when everything just happens...like last weekend when three of my friends ended in my house... and that was one of the most fantastic weekends ever!!

Just to start you off on your weekend, have a look at what made me smile today...

I now know why she is smiling...


And for very intellectual questions...


If you ever got lost on your intergalactic travels...



And lastly, in case you ever wondered what Spidey does in his spare time...to keep fit maybe..
And in the privacy of his bedroom, in front of his mirror...


Enjoy!

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