I came across this on one of my mindless roamings ( i know there is no plural, suck it!) around the Net.
**I suggest you do not attempt to drink and that your bladder is empty before reading this post.
I stole this post on http://www.cracked.com
|Everybody is a comedian these days, and the Internet has given us all an enormous stage. Maybe the best example is a supposedly comedy-free site like Amazon.com.|
The deal is, anybody can write a review, on any product, whether they have bought it or not. So it's just a matter of finding a baffling/ridiculous/useless product and watching the Internet's sarcasm run wild. For instance, just check out the reviews for ...
#8.The "Guardian Angel" Acupuncture Device
By the way, the product description claims it's a Korean acupressure device. You roll it around on your hand and it cures your arthritis or something. That actually leads me to quote one more review:
All right, I guess there was room for at least one good sex toy joke.
#7.Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk
I should point out that, when we're done laughing at the stories of people mixing cocktails and eating chili while driving, there are some people who might actually get some use out of this when their car is safely parked. People like claims adjusters or real estate agents, who have to drive from client to client without returning to the office and need to do paperwork in the parking lot.
Not to be a wet blanket and say you can't cut lines of coke during a high-speed chase once in a while. Just do it responsibly.
Or you can just enjoy this Back to the Future reference.
The title's all you need from that one.
#5.How To Avoid Huge Ships
As if that wasn't enough, Madeleine B. piles on an additional layer of sarcasm icing on the sarcasm cake:
What's it like to be so perfect, indeed.
When I first read this, and esp the one about Huge Ships, I literally fell of my chair.Nate literally picked me up!
#4.Playmobil Security Check Point
OK, that might be kind of a ha-ha satire of people who overreact to toys or something. I'm sure they don't really think that airport security belongs in the same category as waterboarding.
I cut it off there because this guy wrote a whole fucking essay about our police state and what's wrong with airport security and how the system favors the rich and something about Guantanamo. I think he started out planning to write a joke about how thanks to some interesting timing, a previously innocent toy for kids now reminds people of a current controversy and then remembered how much he hated the TSA and started writing a Letter to the Editor.
I'm not joking when I say it's an essay, here's what the whole thing looks like.
"But wait," you might say, "I agree with that guy and find his stupid essay funny and enlightening. Can't a person make a political point and also get it across humorously, even if you disagree with him?"
Sure, but it wouldn't look like that. It would probably look something like this.
You can thank Amazon reviewer John T. Thompson for that.
the whole high-end cable business is a scam. There is nothing more highly marked up and full of bullshit technobabble buzzwords than TV or computer cables in an electronics store. In a field of bullshitters, this cable was a bullshit medalist, though, with an original list price of $500, for a five-foot ethernet cable. Tech geeks tore it to pieces.
#3.Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable
As you can see, the bitingly sarcastic reviewers were remarkably balanced. Not only did they talk about the cable's miraculous benefits, but were open about the dangers of such amazing technology:
I'm actually a little scared now.
this exam table. I hope to God that it's only doctors that are buying these things, anyway. Still, reviewers had a field day:
#2.Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit
Mysterious "Parent Child Testing Product"
Sure, I could tell you what the deal is with this listing but that would be like explaining how Santa could never get to every child's house in one night. Isn't there little enough wonder left in the world without taking this away?
There is a trend in our household. By our, I mean Nate and I (and our Spitz-Terrier Frosty who is still part of, but in another continent). The trend is where I bring up babies, he ignores it. I bring up baby (notice the tense) he kinda indulges. While we are on the baby topic, we discuss names. He is supposed to name the baby if its a girl, I will name if its a boy. I pretty much have decided the name, which he actually likes, but he has not come up with the girl name. At this rate, when we do get the baby, and its a girl, she is going to be nameless for a while.
So today, by some chance, I was reading about something very unrelated to babies and names, when I came across this
When I first started blogging, it was on MySpace. I blogged every two hours. That might be a gross over-exaggeration, but I blogged several times a day. And I am not talking about the - I am now eating breakfast, I am now cleaning the dishes, I am now bored- kind of blogs. It was deep stuff. It was about my angst, about my love life (or lack of thereof), about humanity, about politics, religion, name it.
I was 22 and had just gotten a new real job in the film industry. My working experience dates back to when I was 18, which is something if you grew up in Kenya where we don't have part time jobs when you are in high school or still in school for that matter. I graduated high school early, and was stuck in an awkward position where I couldn't work and I couldn't go to University as yet. So I went to an IT college and in 3 months, I was done. Back to that awkward place again. I went to my college and asked if I could teach the beginners. I got hired and that was my first job. Then came a series of insignificant jobs that I have recently stopped putting in my CV, then the move to the big Nairobi city all by myself. More college, more insignificant jobs in TV stations, then finally the real job. There was something going on in my life then. I was beginning to understand responsibility on a whole new level. I had responsibility back home, being the firstborn and all, but this was different. I was aware of the world around me, of life, of money and career, of growing up, of being a woman.
I was no longer a clueless girl drifting in life, I was becoming a woman immersed in life. I was being opened to a world where my thoughts mattered and my actions held consequences for me, my work and my colleagues. I was part of a team. This was a new feeling. I went to an all girl boarding high school which is in itself a 'team' teaching experience, but for some reason, it never stuck on me then. I needed an outlet. A blog offered that. In the coming years, I would move my blog here and even write some more. I got followers, I even became real life friends with my readers. I joined blog groups, and discussed my blog posts with complete strangers. Then, I started withholding. I became aware of how much of my life I was sharing and suddenly, I felt open, vulnerable even. I started agonizing how much was too much, who was reading my blog and what they thought about me. I became conscious, a feeling that was foreign to me. You see, I never cared what people though about me before and now that I was thinking about it, I stopped writing. I would open my laptop, log in to my blog and type in a whole post. I would click save and shut the computer. It felt good to write, but to have it sit in my drafts left me with a feeling of dissatisfaction. A quest not complete.
Something else was happening. My career was taking off, I was doing more with my life, I was traveling more. That became my new reason for not blogging. I was busy. And I worked so hard at convincing myself that. It worked...for a while.
I used to be a storyteller. I was known as the writing-novel-reading girl in school. I was not reading anymore, I was writing even less. It has made me different. I have been feeling cramped, suffocated, constricted. Then my boyfriend ( feels like we are too old to be calling each other boy/girlfriend) bought me a moleskin. You see, he writes. A lot. We went to his home in Northern California to pick up some of his old stuff and boy, does he have a lot of journals. He is a film director and his journals are a cross between his creative thoughts and personal rants. I digress. Do that a lot nowadays.
I lost my mojo. Even began to question my ability as a writer. I have recently moved to a new town, a new continent, a new culture. And I am getting that itch. I have a little bit of time on my hands. But I have already come to terms with the fact that 'busy' was a concept I invented to excuse my fear of revealing too much. Maybe I should keep my blogposts less personal? But then, wouldn't that make me a hypocritical blogger? Isn't writing about letting the words flow from your mind, unhampered, down to your fingertips? If they have to go through a filtering system, that would mean I was being...phoney.
So I am starting again. I cannot deny the fear is there, but I can admit that I am loosing apart of me when I do not write. So here's to finding my mojo. Again.