July 27, 2006

I discovered one thing about me that i did not previously know, and if i did then, i was in extreme denial.I'm scared (shitless) of change. Of uncertainty and newness. I'm used to the fake security that comes with employment and the thought that i was gonna (try) run my own business was one i did not want to entertain.

I was excited about my move until i discovered that I'll be out of my tough, and will be playing (my) game in a different playground, that I'm yet to learn the rules on! and that gave me frozen feet, insomnia and migraines...bad recipe for innovation.

Anyway, i gave myself a pep talk (after throwing a tantrum and blaming it on my sweet love). i have to say that by the time i threw the tantrum, i had not figured out what was going on in me, and i thought he was not being very supportive. i then found out that i was not even sure of myself in the first place, or what i needed support in!! Poor man, i subjected him to such misery..

So now I've gathered guts, from all corners of my body, and told myself that when i was born, I'd never been into the world, did not understand the language, and i coped just fine...(i think), so this should not not be any different, especially since now i possess more than basic communication skills.

Oh, and i apologized to sweetheart too. We should all send him medals for handling it so bravely.

July 26, 2006

Do you ever feel like the gods are somewhere, bored, with nothing more to create, and cant think of better ways to entertain themselves? That they are too proud to become mortals, well, who would envy such a life, especially if youre watching it from above, its like watching Jurassic park and wishing you lived there.

To entertain themselves, they put you in the middle of the ring and takes turns at assaulting you? They then set out to out do each other on a contest titled The Search of the Big Kahuna Thats what my life feels like at the moment.

Nothing I set to do is working; nothing seems to fall into place. Or maybe its falling, just not how and where I want it. Or maybe, its just falling on me which is squashing me!!

Lets take my work, for instance. I feel like hamster, aiming for that next turn that will bring me to my goal, the only different is, I actually do know I'm on a wheel, and this time round, I am actually generating power to run an organization. Ill join hamster heaven.com now!

I need a change. My worst fears have finally caught up with me, no mater how hard I've run and hidden from them. That now I have to forget passion for what I do and think about making money. I thought Id never get there, that Id always do it coz I love it, rather than coz it gives me money. But passion has proved fruitless, no mater how much I coax it, it wont pay my bills, it wont feed nor cloth me. After the climax of the job, I have to crawl back to reality and think of f how different things would be in my life if only I gave up the Robin Hood act and followed Bill to the Gates. Lets be realistic, he didnt set up his foundation thing till he was one of the richest men in the world! I wont go into a debate as to whether he set it coz he was humane enough, or coz he had more money than he could handle, or simply coz everyone was going on about how many African nations he could feed per year and such like indirect attacks.

So now I've decide to move on, make money then come back and spend that money pursuing my passion, filmmaking. Its one expensive passion, unlike golf, I get to keep the moving memories as opposed to trophies for my generation to come, till technology render the moving images useless.

Why cant we just have what we crave for? If its the case of being careful what you wish for you coz you might just get it, well, I fucking want to get it! I'm chasing my dream, and yes, I'm prepared to face the nightmares that come with it. I have no idea why some outside source has appointed itself my guardian, controller, whatever, that it knows not what I rally want with my life. And for once, I'm not ranting about my love life.


Fall into place for chrissake!

July 20, 2006

Alcohol a clear liquid that humans drink to make themselves feel better.
It is disguised with different colors and tastes so that it doesn't become boring.
Some of the methods of disguising alcohol are quite extraordinary. The effect of alcohol on humans is to make them fall down at parties.
Those who don't fall down tend to become friendly and start singing. Those who don't fall down or become friendly tend to go around
hitting people.

Alcoholic something that contains alcohol is called alcoholic.
This should not be confused with someone containing alcohol, which is called a "Pain-in-the-Neck", unless there are several of them, in
which case they are called a "stag-night", or "hen party". The "stag" part, meaning: "lots of drunken men being vulgar and urinating in
public places", and the "hen" part meaning: "lots of women being frighteningly hysterical in the street and wearing something strange,
whilst one of them is sick because she had twelve rum and blacks before she even came out of the house.

Antisocial the type of person who won't join in when all his friends are shouting, being crude, spilling drink and dropping their trousers.
Strangely enough, this is also the word used to describe the people who do.

Band a group of people who get together every week to argue.
Some of these groups are called "Rock Bands". This is because most of them act like they belong to the Stone Age.
The most famous Rock Band in the world was called the Rolling Stones. They were famous because the lead singer was actually Ned
Kelly.

Beer the name given to an alcoholic beverage that humans drink a lot of .
It is important to remember that if you ever get lost on Earth it is possible to ascertain where you are by the taste of the beer you have just
bought
If the rink tastes of crushed apples you are in Somerset in the South West of England.
If the drink tastes of hops and yeast you are in the Northern part of England.
If it tastes like bat's piss you are in London.

Boss the name given to a human that nobody likes but are quite happy to receive money from every week.
Most bosses think their workers have no father and are "lazy", whereas most workers think that their boss has no father and is "ignorant".
Some Bosses wear T-shirt and were "Born in the USA". Though this isn't very common, luckily.

Brassiere a kit bag for keeping breasts in.

Curiosity a disease that kills cats.

Dancing a series of physical movements specifically designed to humiliate men.

Darts a game invented by men to get their own back on women for inventing dancing.

Eccentric a description of someone who is weird but you still like them.

Factory a place where most people are paid weekly, as opposed to an Office where people are paid too much.

Flirt the art of being sexually attractive to the opposite sex when you know you won't have to back it up.
.
Fond a term used to describe one person's affection for another just before the words "I'm leaving you" or "It wouldn't work".

Genealogy a history or record of a human family's descent and lineage in order to ascertain whether the mass murderers come from the
mother's side of the family or the father's. In order to study Genealogy correctly you have to keep a skeleton in a cupboard.

Grope to feel around in the dark in the hope of finding something more interesting than the film you're not watching.

Guitar a musical instrument played with gritted teeth and a pained expression. It can be played by plucking the strings, but its not as
much fun.
One of the most famous Earth guitar players is called a Clapton. Clapton apparently "lives". This is true because it says so on many
railway bridges. He is also a "god", which is just as well because he shot the sheriff.
Clapton was in a band called Cream. The drummer was called Ginger Biscuit.

Headache 1. A form of illness a lot of women get when they go to bed.
2. A form a illness a lot of men get when they wake up (see hangover)

Idol an image worshiped as a god (see Rock Guitarist)

Index a page in a book that is only referred to after you've flipped through the book and not found what you are looking for. Interestingly
enough the finger used for this page flipping is called your "Middle" finger.

Jock Strap a sleeping bag for genitals.

Kaleidoscope a toy that young people use to see what it's like taking hallucinogenic drugs

Light either:
(a) The bright stuff that helps you see
(b) Sex. As in the Earth _expression: "Have you got a light?", which means "Can we have sex?"

Metronome an instrument with a pendulum used for making children cry when they are learning the piano.

Orgasm a physical sensation similar to your brain and groin trying to swap places. And succeeding.

Orgy you had to be there.

Party a gathering of people who do all the things they wouldn't do in their own home. Aliens should note that if there is nothing left to drink, they should look in the following places:
(a) The oven (cider).
(b) The bread bin (wine)
(c) The toilet cistern (whiskey).

Pea a bit of a mystery. Humans keep going out for one but never bring one back.

Redecorate a word Earth women use when they want to see the blood rush out of Earth men's faces.

Rock Guitarist the name given to a person who performs on stage and appears to be in immense pain all the time. It is the Rock
Guitarist's job to grimace at the audience and wave his guitar all over the place when the singer stops singing so that the audience has
something to look at.

Tights a form of nylon bag women keep their legs in.

Vibrato an effect nightclub singers use to try and disguise the fact that they can't sing.
A similar effect can be achieved by resting your throat on a road drill.

Wench a woman who loosens nuts

Wrench a spanner for tightening loose women.

Y-front a type of underwear for men who like to find things where they left them.

Yodel a noise caused by trying to dislocate your throat and wrap your tongue around your head at the same time.
This is usually done up mountains so as not to upset the neighbors.

Zen the religion of looking into your own mind and finding that you aren't in.

Courtesy of Alien-Culture...

July 02, 2006

Men say women are complicated I say men are fucked up. They say we say are problematical. Yeah fucking right!!! They are just too lazy to think, and only do it when it suits them. How did I come to that generalization? Same way men do. One horrible experience with one woman and all women fall into that doomed category. Now change the genders and you have your answer.

I thought I loved man. Was so full of shit that I wanted to keep him (thats what I do, I keep those who are unbearable). But he could not have me only. He wanted others too, and I was to be the Top Queen. I was, for a while, until I discovered that I deserved all, not just a portion. (Well, I knew that all along, but just (pretended that I) didnt care). I kept telling myself that if I hang in there, stayed around for a while, he might see how good I am to him and maybe leave the rest.

So finally, I walked. It hurt, it killed my very essence of love, but I lived to tell. Then I met another incredible man. One who makes me think nothing else in this world matters apart from him and I. But then, isnt that what I felt when I met the man from Down Under? Isnt this the same feeling I had? Dont ask me why I'm doing the musical chairs - dont we all always hope the next will last longer, perhaps forever?

So I call him. Big mistake, but hey I was in a career turmoil. Tell him we need to talk (about my career). He might not be prince charming, but hes a damn good Creative. Anyway, we talk my work for a long time about work, then about my future, then about work, then about his future, then about his past, his work, my work, our defunct relationship big mistake number two then come the shocker. Man wants back in. and I wonder is he for real. Well, thats pretty redundant coz I know hes not a for real man. Hes got more spunk than I can muster in 10 years...and believe you me; I'm the queen of spunk. He gave good head. he was attentive to my (sexual) needs (and I'm sure to many others). He was, in a word: Awesome. But ain't all those you cant have for keeps?

Hes seen the light, hes discovered that I'm the only person, and in this case, woman who'd stripped him of all pretenses, seen beyond the perfectly-controlled fascia, (well, everybody thinks hes got it figured out, I kno(e)w otherwise). He'd decided he wants to settle down, and his tired testosterones had showed him me. He painted this picture of how glorious our life together was and could still be, and just there and then I thanked him for such an artistic approach. I saw the gloriousness, yes, and then I saw the deceit, the hidden pain, the frustration, the need to be complete but never quite getting there, the having him there but not having him at all when I put them on a scale, glorious on one side, deceit, pain, frustration, presence with absence I don't have to say which side went so low the scale tipped over.

I tell him too late, I got a man who hell never come close to even being like, not that I want him to be anyway. And he is all-apologetic for letting me go, and wonders what itd take to make me come back. No even the rains here in Africa!! But he got me thinking. that I said no to this offer coz I got another man. That if I was all lonely and sex-starved, I would have jumped at the idea, only to go back to the same life story. He made me realize that we make the same mistakes over and over for luck of an alternative. For search of something/someone to believe in, in search of a place to belong, a comforter, a partner, no matter how short the end of the stick handed to us is.

And this greatly strips love of all the allure that its purported to have for me. If I can feel that good about one person, wipe him off my life (heart) and replace him with another completely different person, and still claim to feel the same (if not more) kind of feeling towards this new person, what kind of demented, crazy kind of emotion is that? Cant it take form or shape and settle on one? Why manifest itself as awesome and incredible on one situation (person), turn to hate and anger in the next instance with the same person, only to transfer itself to the former state, this time harder, in a different situation, to a different person? Why so fucked up? why?

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