It's been a while since i said anything here. not that i have nothing to say, but coz i simply did not know how to break it down.
So, you all wondering about my non-existent love life. so this is where i correct you...i have a very active love life...with myself! It's all been about giving an pleasing the other person in my life, neglecting me. I then discovered that i barely know myself, barely know what makes me laugh, what makes me tick...hell, I didn't even know I had the ability to arouse myself!!!
It's the stuff i learn everyday about myself that make me wonder how much time we spend wondering if you are the right person and trying to make yourself be, instead of concentrating on what makes you happy, whether or not you are the right person or not.
Gotta get back to work...of pleasing meslef
I went out yesterday, the survey dates that i take myself for. My pick, a nice pub that plays Rock on Thursdays.. Tough luck i have is the lie that i tell myself that i will walk in there and meet a face..
Waht happens when i walk thru the door? I know the bouncer, I know hte waiters...(so thoase i ignore and dont say hello).. Befoer i locate an empty seat, i have 5 voices calling out my name!!That told me something, either am known by man people, or am just famous amoung drunks!!!It's not a bad thing to be known (even by pub-aholics) it's the paradox that comes with it. I don't take alcohol!! I'm as sober as a (let me Google that simile)...Where do i gt off being a celebrity among them? So i wave at my faithfuls(what i call those men who cant just take a wave for a hi and have to hug and hold longer...) and sit as far away from them as possible...the counter...Big mistake!!!I'm now on open space, vulnerable to irritating vultures who can't talka whole sentence without making me want to reach fro my umbrella..anywa, i'm so good at fending them off, my faithfuls always complain that i don't have any use for them....:-
(To cut this crap, i eye sonme guy who after few glances joins me..J.H. Christ, i have never talked to someone who would rather listen to their own voice!! He asks me a question, interupts my answe and answers the qn and this goes on for a while until i geeeet up and move to sit with a faifthul who is all alone..Only to lear later that our One-Man Conversationalist (OMC)has told one of my faithfuls that he thinks am a slut coz am talking to everyone(read: men), and am alone in the pub... and my faithful wants to punch his nose off him...(kisses Micheal, that was awesome)
Anyway, i stop the fight, not coz i mind men fighting over me, esp being defended(now he cant compalin i have no use for him) but it raining outside and i don't want this OMC thrown out in the rain at midnight...The faithful i moved to sit wiht is a wt blanket in all aspects of that phrase. nothing to him works, nothing to him is a good idea...everything sucks(well, apart from his)...and he thinks www.myspace.com is bull, and www.blogger.com is the thing...
So, me the challenge lover logged in here today to see how it goes....
So far? mhhh
Everything in my life(and yours too) falls into 3 categories:
1. Things that I know that I know (I was born...)
2. Things that I know that I don't know (How many times i can achieve orgasm in one night)
3. Things that I don't know that I don't know (now, i wouldn't be able to give examples now would I? if i would, then it moves to the 2nd category)
And every time i wish i didn't know the things i know...information is power, so said a pal of mine when i was a teenager, which has been a guide to me thru the years. What he didn't say, coz he didn't know... (maybe this falls in the 3rd category for him) is that it is also destructive. the more you know, the more sentinel we become. The more informed i get, the more paranoid i become, bred by what I've fed my mind with.The mind, being the stupid absorbent thing it is, interprets and relates unrelated events into one big complex twist...that's why i can't watch a horror movie and sleep alone (with the lights off) that night.
I'm in the film business, i know all about SFX, animation and all..but i still get scared!!! Why? because my mind has related the movie and woven it into my life...I get into this obscure world of mine, by reading. Then i discovered that when am done wiht the book, and am out of the world, I KNOW MORE!!! am escaping the information by gathering more. I wanna get out of my mind, not know...i wanna get off all the information in me, wipe the slate clean!!!
I was thinking about the things i do..the things that others define as 'Typical Dark Angel'. and i wondered, how much of my actions is based on what i am, the me without the crowd?
Is there a certain way i would behave or act if the world was oblivious to the behavioural patterns of it's occupants (am regarding the world as the 'always up your ass judge to rep everybody')
Do i act the way i do to defy the societal norms and codes of regulations (defiance) or is that me in another world, regardless?
Is my subconscious telling my conscious that i have to fight to stay at the top,pushing down the tidal waves and waters of behavioral science, to avoid drowning or to simply avoid swimming along like the rest? Am i defying set codes or am i defying uniformity and sameness? Am i trying to be different in a good way, to establish uniqueness, or am i trying to provide the world with a situation to analyze and deal with?
How was your day...it's raining here today....and in case you're wondering, my body temp is FINE!