October 28, 2006

I had the hopes that it was gonna work out. and yes i had all the signs that it was working. then comes the bombshell. he's not trying anymore. so once i again, no matter how many times i try to deny it, it happened. it's now over. and he did it over the phone now that I'm away for a month so that i can have time to heal. like my heart is a scrape on the knee that should heal in a few weeks. like he's supposed to walk in and out of my life like a loo. And the sad thing is no matter how many times i tell myself that he is some asshole who does not deserve me, i still can't push away the fact that i love him and going on is going to be hard.

How does one explain the fact that month ago he could not wait to be with me, now he can't wait to let me go yet nothing's changed? He says that there is no other person and never has been. Great, that's one incredible piece of information that i should take and smear over my broken heart! What do men want? He said he wanted a girl with brains who inspired him, and that is what i was. maybe I'm not Cindy Crawford, well, sue me, i can't do anything about that. I wont say that he doesn't think I'm pretty enough for him, but well, i can explore all the possible reasons as to why, can't i?

I have been hurt before, but not by a man who actually told me that I'm one of the best girls he's ever, and he always knew that other relationships were finite and he was very sure about us....what the fuck went on? if anything, it was more like i wanted the sex more than he did!

So that is how a heartbreak feels. you love someone unconditionally, they claim that that scares them. How many men, esp in Africa can actually say that their women love them purely and unconditionally? If i had one wish, i ask for my partner to love me without reservations, to love me purely. but well, not all of us want that, maybe.

That is why some of us will have to spend the next few days hating and blaming ourselves, since i made that decision to date him... didn't i?

October 21, 2006

I'm sitting on some hotel rooftop, staring the sea ( that's not right, I'm staring at my screen as i write this) somewhere in an island where Donkeys rule. yep, you guessed it, I'm in Lamu. It is my first day of a one month movie thing that will see move between four towns in that period. and all i can say is though the pay is crap, i love being back in the game. location is my home, production is my aphrodisiac...

After a roller coaster month with more love / work drama than all South America can come up with, it's a breath of fresh air (more like sea breeze) out here. and i plan on making the best of it. I'll be working under some Germanese nazi-ress who everyone has warned me about. mmmhh, what a welcoming thought!

My love life should be recovering but (damn i hate that word) it looks to me like I'm trying to hard and the effort is not reciprocated. i feel like if i decided to walk out, I'd get a pat on the back and a subtle "it was nice dating you ma'am". the last thing i wanna think about is my r/ship while away. and even though this time away should give me space to evaluate, I have actually come to realize that i need to evaluate nothing. I'm more in love than the other person. I'm not gonna obsess about it, since i made it known how i feel b4 i left and well, lets see if they do some thinking!

Gotta fly (not out the window, which is not a bad idea since I'll land in the ocean)

;;