After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. .
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to leave you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
As I am still learning....
From my good pal - Justin - who is WelHung (No you pervert, that means Half Welsh, half Hungarian. Well, actually, not really!
I was goona post this on Wednesday (today is Friday) with good news about my life and how I'm coping. I has a marvelous time at Outspan Hotel in Mt. Kenya, wont go into details. It's beautiful place, and I wanna go back, this time with better company.
Anyway, I came back and left for Kitengela same day. My hot-blond-blue-eyed-not-so-very-gay-friend invited me to his house, which borders the Nairobi National Park,and had the time of my life.that is after he had taken me on a jolly drive to the most interior parts of Dagoretti for...MEAT!!! Picture blonde-blue-eyed near Dagoretti Market at midnight...now picture me...fit?
Slept to the sound of the raindrops hard on the iron sheets, snuggled into duvet and had that lonely feeling (well, that always happens if the rain is hard and I'm alone). Then the bad news... my ex ex, (not funny) the Creative Director I talked about - the one who wanted back in (i should have gone!!) got an accident on Sunday (when i as busy 'havin fun' :-) and his best friend together with his wife died on the spot. My ex ex came out a little bit hurt, physically. Mentally, he is tormented. He pushes me away and there is nothing i can do about it. He refuses to see anyone... and it kills me.
Now I'm thinking, just that week, we had argued about him and I and what kind of relationship we had, and how he is never there for me and maybe it's because he is punishing me or my earlier sins. When we fought, we made love. He text-ed me on Wednesday - One-liner ' Wanna shag?' I was not pissed. He was drunk, so i did not take any notice. I remember telling him : I really don't care about whatever he wanted. When I was told about the accident, i was speechless. I fucking cared. I cared that i came close to loosing him. I love him and despite what pulled us apart, i did not want him out of my life like that.True he pisses me, I even piss him off more. But that accident opened my eyes to how fragile life is and why I should hold my tongue, even in anger.
As i thought about him, i remembered my other pal in hospital and i realized that we have no control whatsoever in the direction our lives take, no matter how hard we try. I wondered, i he knew he was gonna get that accident, would he have got into the car? what would have have done differently with his pal who died? If my other pal knew her boyfriend as gonna push her off 3rd floor balcony, what would she have done differently?
I decided it's either i get off this out of control world or i evaluate each decision, each word, each action, as if it were my last.
Oh, i started my new job which I'm gonna quit in January for a month to try another one then make a decision then... life never stops..
It's late..and here I am wondering what is wrong with me. Just of nowhere, after seeing my pal, some hours ago my body just shut down and I had to check myself to a hospital. When i got there, i went into a trance, just like that! I just sat there, immobile.Nothing made sense. Everyone seemed to be moving around, lifting this and that, just confusing me, making so much noise and I wanted to scream 'SHUT UP'. i placed my fingers on my ears and the doctor just looked at me. i think he was talking but i was not there. I know my mind shuts off sometimes esp. when someone talks to me for too long. i don't drift away. the voice just fades and i just sit there. I was told I'm like 1% autistic but hey, this was different. Apparently it's my body's way of blocking out stress and psychological/ emotional trauma. I could not fucking believe it!! I mean, I was the epitome of good health and stress free life a couple of hours ago (like when I was writing about my pal who was thrown off the balcony by her b/f).
Then the doctor wanted to keep me in for the night and I was like , hold on, you don't understand. There is nothing wrong with me, I just need to get my life on track, as soon as i get my mind off youknowho. and we had a fight...literally. And I REFUSED to be kept in. my head was not mine for a while. it was full and empty at the same time. it was throbbing and I could literally see the throbs. I was in for like 7 hours, and it seemed like i was in there for like 30 minutes. Anyway, i did not want o admit that I'm loosing it, that I've played strong for too long and my body is crying foul. i have forced it to stay clam against it's better judgment. It's funny, because i was convinced that i was fine and the worst had passed. apparently the worst is still to come. The psychiatrist (or whatever) said that until i let it take over me, it will be worse as days go by. i don't know how to let it take over me, because, hey, i cried. i can't cry anymore. i mean today I actually did FORCE myself to cry and no tears came !! i know i have not been sleeping, but well, i say up listening to music or reading and i never thought that was abnormal. I think I'm mad anyway. When the doctor asked what time i sleep i said 4 am...and he asked 'that did not strike you as abnormal? I said, 'well, i was up reading. 'for exams?' he asked. 'nope, just books' he shook his head. i have to admit, then i did not see the abnormality of it. He said that my mind is blocking the truth, and the minute i accept it, it will all fall into place. now that a phrase I hate ' fall into place' where is 'place' and when do you know that that is the 'place' they are supposed to 'fall'? i mean i hardly know the 'place', how to get there, and why the fuck i never get there and if it comes by a sleigh of the hand???? anyway, whatever 'place' things' are supposed to 'fall' it never happened to me and that now explains why I'm going psycho??? I'm fucking lost!!
I have ranted enough. I will be put on compulsory bed rest if it happens again, i was threatened. and jabbed with something...my nightmare. but i heard it will make me deliriously happy. and now i feel the first throes of headache hitting, and i have to close my eyes and hope that it all goes away, and my life is back to what it was in May...
My twisted life took a 360degree turn today. Yesterday (before i went bonkers), i had gone for a interview kind of thing. I call it that coz we kept drifting from the topic and talking about stuff about the industry, people, quotes...you know it ended up being more of a chat than an interview. I think that is how all interviews should be conduced. I think we learnt a thing or four from the conversation other than i want money and they want a worker... they had a good deal i have to say, plus i get a chance to work on feature films. i have been dying to get a gig that big and well, here it is. Then my ex boss (who is housing me now) wants to counter offer that!! she has literally begged me not to take any job this month of December and she will pay to wait until January when she will have made a decision on what to offer me to counter the other offer. THEN, as soon as i came back to Nairobi, i sent out a couple of CV's that did not seem to be doing me any good. this Advertising Agency writes to me and ask show soon i can start. I said we have to meet and review their terms of engagement. At the same time, there is this other woman who wants to talk about me working for her..
Basically, I have offers left right and above, not forgetting center and I'm confused. Do i want the money, do i follow passion? I had this dilemma before i quit my job (which is now calling me back, with a better offer) and then, it was i was not getting enough money and yet i was reluctant o quit coz i loved my job here. Now this is the reverse. I have the place i loved, who did not offer me money, who are willing to do it now, and another one who is offering me the money, plus the chance to expand myself as Production Manager. My dream is to own a Production house before I'm 30 and if that is not possible, to be out of Kenya and working on big-ass productions. One or the other. And i just realized to day that I'm every employers dream. I'm kinda driven by loyalty and in away i felt like i wooed it to my ex boss to stay with her. I love the company yes, but i decided to look at the other one as a potential loyalty receiver.
I'm gonna attend all these interview or meeting and listen o how much I'll let go by pursuing my passion.
I'm so happy to be getting a chance to be going back to work. Funny thing is, ever since i was 17, i have never been out of a job for more than two months. I don't even know why i worry when I'm out of employment!! and most of these jobs just come knocking!! i guess i was to be unlucky in love and lucky in career, and well, i know I'm good at what i do...
So now I'm bracing myself for anew start..literally. New job, new house, new life. I'm feeling like a newborn, only newborns don't have the trauma and scars of the past life (or do they? - Isabel, do not mention the umbilical cord / navel).
Have to go now... i feel so good today!!
I told Isabel that I was rising from the water and i felt like the phoenix and she had the nerve to correct me and say that the phoenix rose from the fire. whatever the case, i rose and i felt like what i imagine the phoenix must have felt...reborn!
I have had a feelings conflicting week that made me question the essence of life and why we bother living at all. don't be so quick to judge and relax, I'm not gonna pick the next study looking rope and decide it looks better on my neck that the beautiful silver elephant chain that currently resided there.
I spent the week sourcing for jobs which you guessed right did not get any.Yes, i was given hopes only to dwindle when everything looks promising. I have also been house hunting my ass off (not that i managed to shed any of it). all the same i felt revitalized. After gathering all the guts i could muster, i visited the dentist. After prodding me for a few minutes, he calmly (the nerve!) suggested that i will have to have two molars removed. Well, that did not sound so bad (never had my teeth extracted by some car-mechanic looking object) until i saw the looooooong needle. I actually suggested that he remove the tooth without the anesthetic's!! Anyway, it took 30 minutes for him to convince me that needles don't kill and i could actually live with the trauma blah blah..in short, he had to play psychiatrist before taking over dentistry. He finally removed the tooth, woe to the assistant who got first hand experience of how strong my small palms really are. The next appointment i missed (pretended that i got late visiting a friend). I finally gathered the courage on Tuesday and had the other tooth extracted and my teeth cleaned with some drill sounding machine. Isabel made fun of me all through lunch as I kept complaining that my mouth felt like i had Kilimanjaro weighing it down. To forget the ordeal, i did what takes me away from this world.. I took myself for a movie. Accepted was it's name ..it was worth it though, only because it was a very silly film left all my popcorn untouched. (now why the hell did i even bother buying it!!) On Sunday, i attended an amazing rock show . there is nothing as fulfilling as watching those kids give it their all for something they will look back on 20 years from now and say..i got my first real six string, played it till my fingers bled...me and some guys from school...you know the drill. the heart and gusto they put into their music is amazing and trust me when i say I'd do anything in my power (wallet power) to promote them.
I got a call on Friday from some well know lady who owns a Production House and asked to see me on Monday...today. So i woke up all ready and eager...i need a real job. On my way there, i decide to call a friend of mine, just to say hi.. her friend picks the phone. this is how the conversation went:(names changed)
Me: Hi Cate
A:This is not Cate, this is Shiku
Me:Oh, hi Shiku. where is Cate
A:She is in Hospital
Me: Why, what is wrong?
A: She got thrown off the balcony
Me: What? by whom?
A: Ken (her boyfriend)
A: I know...
Me: f**..why would he do that?
A: she came home from a night out on Sunday morning and he was angry. pushed her from their balcony..
At this point i lost contact with the world. all i could think of is my pal Cate and her jolly nature. she is such a bubbly gal..she will be the girl who called me for that job in Lamu, and gave me a place to stay when i was still in Mombasa but had to work in Nairobi. I thought about how she told me that my ex was undeserving of me and how i should never let a man dictate how i run my life or affect the decisions i make concerning my life. in short, she drilled sense into me..about a man. In Lamu, we talked about men, including hers and how she should leave coz he cheats on her regularly. One night, they had a fight in Lamu and she sought refuge in my room. he came budging in and was practically pulling her out of the bed. He quit when i threatened to scream.
I wondered why i never took that incident seriously...why she never took it seriously. why she let him back into her life...her house!!! when i started writing this, my ex calls, we were meant to do a job out of town. and he has the nerve to tell me that he is bringing some girl. and i wonder, what is it with men, really? Why would he wanna do that? To make sure he hurts me more? Well, forget about me, I'm still walking around, and my pal is in hospital, thrown from a 3rd floor balcony and now I'm too scared to go see her, coz i just don't know what i will find out. And what hurts the most, is that it was done by a man she loved. a man without a job who she kept in her house.
And i wonder, what is love? why should do we bother? why is life so unsure? why do i even bother living if one day life is gone be yanked off my feet in a snap? why?
I'm currently thing about James Blunt..Out of My Mind, and you should all listen to the words carefully...
It all started here.** One day i log on and i have this message waiting. Being the adventurous one, i replied. Now i wish i had not. I met him here, and here is the place i come to lament.
Even after writing that oh-so blissful life in Nairobi, i had to go back to Mombasa. and there, the ugly head of reality waited me. nothing had changed, nothing was gonna change. not in this life time. So i got onto a plane, flew back to Nairobi and here i am. jobless, homeless, but alive, and hey, still pretty and sexy!
My eyes are glowing, what will all the tears that washed them! i hurt yes, but i love myself more, esp since i was strong enough to walk, as opposed to being stubborn and killing myself, trying to prove that i could stay and hold on.
My friend Paul, my favorite, lovely, cute, oh so handsome Irish lad is going through hell, and i can't be there for him. and trust me, this sounds corny but by talking to him about his relationship problems, I was relieved to know that even across the seas, such stuff still happens, and that lessens the pain. My other pal from Norway is in Kenya to break up with his g/f ...i love love, i love r/ships and i can't wait to get into the next one. I'm always honest and truthful to myself. that is why i wont swear that i will never love again. coz hey , i will and i will still give it my all. he said i loved him too much bit scared him, then i started blaming myself. until i gave myself a listening-to, that went like this. 'Mercy, he doesn't know how to love, nor to be loved. he has never been loved in his life. he has dated no-good women who cared naught about him. here comes you, who quit her job to help him in his company, and he dropped you cold in less than two months. Get up, move on and wait/look for that guy who is dying to be loved with all that love u can offer. one who is not a selfish bastard who think you can pick and drop someone's heart like a ping pong ball.. blah blah'
and here i am, ready to roll, again!!
** This blog has been moved from MySpace blog page
This has been one of the most inspirational time of my life. After moving on
Singleton town, and wailing all the way there, i finally discovered that i have so much to live for, so much more...
So i've been working my pretty ass off, reading Isabel's blog once in a while, and reading so much i think my eyes will start rejecting anything written in colour. All in all, it's been a most fulfilling time.
I plan on writing more of my controversial blog soon enough. for now, I'm loving the feel of Nairobi..and feeling sexier, prettier and more happier than ever....
I had the hopes that it was gonna work out. and yes i had all the signs that it was working. then comes the bombshell. he's not trying anymore. so once i again, no matter how many times i try to deny it, it happened. it's now over. and he did it over the phone now that I'm away for a month so that i can have time to heal. like my heart is a scrape on the knee that should heal in a few weeks. like he's supposed to walk in and out of my life like a loo. And the sad thing is no matter how many times i tell myself that he is some asshole who does not deserve me, i still can't push away the fact that i love him and going on is going to be hard.
How does one explain the fact that month ago he could not wait to be with me, now he can't wait to let me go yet nothing's changed? He says that there is no other person and never has been. Great, that's one incredible piece of information that i should take and smear over my broken heart! What do men want? He said he wanted a girl with brains who inspired him, and that is what i was. maybe I'm not Cindy Crawford, well, sue me, i can't do anything about that. I wont say that he doesn't think I'm pretty enough for him, but well, i can explore all the possible reasons as to why, can't i?
I have been hurt before, but not by a man who actually told me that I'm one of the best girls he's ever, and he always knew that other relationships were finite and he was very sure about us....what the fuck went on? if anything, it was more like i wanted the sex more than he did!
So that is how a heartbreak feels. you love someone unconditionally, they claim that that scares them. How many men, esp in Africa can actually say that their women love them purely and unconditionally? If i had one wish, i ask for my partner to love me without reservations, to love me purely. but well, not all of us want that, maybe.
That is why some of us will have to spend the next few days hating and blaming ourselves, since i made that decision to date him... didn't i?
I'm sitting on some hotel rooftop, staring the sea ( that's not right, I'm staring at my screen as i write this) somewhere in an island where Donkeys rule. yep, you guessed it, I'm in Lamu. It is my first day of a one month movie thing that will see move between four towns in that period. and all i can say is though the pay is crap, i love being back in the game. location is my home, production is my aphrodisiac...
After a roller coaster month with more love / work drama than all South America can come up with, it's a breath of fresh air (more like sea breeze) out here. and i plan on making the best of it. I'll be working under some Germanese nazi-ress who everyone has warned me about. mmmhh, what a welcoming thought!
My love life should be recovering but (damn i hate that word) it looks to me like I'm trying to hard and the effort is not reciprocated. i feel like if i decided to walk out, I'd get a pat on the back and a subtle "it was nice dating you ma'am". the last thing i wanna think about is my r/ship while away. and even though this time away should give me space to evaluate, I have actually come to realize that i need to evaluate nothing. I'm more in love than the other person. I'm not gonna obsess about it, since i made it known how i feel b4 i left and well, lets see if they do some thinking!
Gotta fly (not out the window, which is not a bad idea since I'll land in the ocean)
What do you do when the one you thought loved you wakes up one day and decides that they don't love you in that way?
What do you do when you thought you had found the one and they don't think the same way about you?
What do you do when you look into the person's eyes and you see that they are just hanging on to avoid hurting you, even though the horse's already bolted?
What do you do then?
I discovered one thing about me that i did not previously know, and if i did then, i was in extreme denial.I'm scared (shitless) of change. Of uncertainty and newness. I'm used to the fake security that comes with employment and the thought that i was gonna (try) run my own business was one i did not want to entertain.
I was excited about my move until i discovered that I'll be out of my tough, and will be playing (my) game in a different playground, that I'm yet to learn the rules on! and that gave me frozen feet, insomnia and migraines...bad recipe for innovation.
Anyway, i gave myself a pep talk (after throwing a tantrum and blaming it on my sweet love). i have to say that by the time i threw the tantrum, i had not figured out what was going on in me, and i thought he was not being very supportive. i then found out that i was not even sure of myself in the first place, or what i needed support in!! Poor man, i subjected him to such misery..
So now I've gathered guts, from all corners of my body, and told myself that when i was born, I'd never been into the world, did not understand the language, and i coped just fine...(i think), so this should not not be any different, especially since now i possess more than basic communication skills.
Oh, and i apologized to sweetheart too. We should all send him medals for handling it so bravely.
Do you ever feel like the gods are somewhere, bored, with nothing more to create, and cant think of better ways to entertain themselves? That they are too proud to become mortals, well, who would envy such a life, especially if youre watching it from above, its like watching Jurassic park and wishing you lived there.
To entertain themselves, they put you in the middle of the ring and takes turns at assaulting you? They then set out to out do each other on a contest titled The Search of the Big Kahuna Thats what my life feels like at the moment.
Nothing I set to do is working; nothing seems to fall into place. Or maybe its falling, just not how and where I want it. Or maybe, its just falling on me which is squashing me!!
Lets take my work, for instance. I feel like hamster, aiming for that next turn that will bring me to my goal, the only different is, I actually do know I'm on a wheel, and this time round, I am actually generating power to run an organization. Ill join hamster heaven.com now!
I need a change. My worst fears have finally caught up with me, no mater how hard I've run and hidden from them. That now I have to forget passion for what I do and think about making money. I thought Id never get there, that Id always do it coz I love it, rather than coz it gives me money. But passion has proved fruitless, no mater how much I coax it, it wont pay my bills, it wont feed nor cloth me. After the climax of the job, I have to crawl back to reality and think of f how different things would be in my life if only I gave up the Robin Hood act and followed Bill to the Gates. Lets be realistic, he didnt set up his foundation thing till he was one of the richest men in the world! I wont go into a debate as to whether he set it coz he was humane enough, or coz he had more money than he could handle, or simply coz everyone was going on about how many African nations he could feed per year and such like indirect attacks.
So now I've decide to move on, make money then come back and spend that money pursuing my passion, filmmaking. Its one expensive passion, unlike golf, I get to keep the moving memories as opposed to trophies for my generation to come, till technology render the moving images useless.
Why cant we just have what we crave for? If its the case of being careful what you wish for you coz you might just get it, well, I fucking want to get it! I'm chasing my dream, and yes, I'm prepared to face the nightmares that come with it. I have no idea why some outside source has appointed itself my guardian, controller, whatever, that it knows not what I rally want with my life. And for once, I'm not ranting about my love life.
Fall into place for chrissake!
Alcohol a clear liquid that humans drink to make themselves feel better.
It is disguised with different colors and tastes so that it doesn't become boring.
Some of the methods of disguising alcohol are quite extraordinary. The effect of alcohol on humans is to make them fall down at parties.
Those who don't fall down tend to become friendly and start singing. Those who don't fall down or become friendly tend to go around
Alcoholic something that contains alcohol is called alcoholic.
This should not be confused with someone containing alcohol, which is called a "Pain-in-the-Neck", unless there are several of them, in
which case they are called a "stag-night", or "hen party". The "stag" part, meaning: "lots of drunken men being vulgar and urinating in
public places", and the "hen" part meaning: "lots of women being frighteningly hysterical in the street and wearing something strange,
whilst one of them is sick because she had twelve rum and blacks before she even came out of the house.
Antisocial the type of person who won't join in when all his friends are shouting, being crude, spilling drink and dropping their trousers.
Strangely enough, this is also the word used to describe the people who do.
Band a group of people who get together every week to argue.
Some of these groups are called "Rock Bands". This is because most of them act like they belong to the Stone Age.
The most famous Rock Band in the world was called the Rolling Stones. They were famous because the lead singer was actually Ned
Beer the name given to an alcoholic beverage that humans drink a lot of .
It is important to remember that if you ever get lost on Earth it is possible to ascertain where you are by the taste of the beer you have just
If the rink tastes of crushed apples you are in Somerset in the South West of England.
If the drink tastes of hops and yeast you are in the Northern part of England.
If it tastes like bat's piss you are in London.
Boss the name given to a human that nobody likes but are quite happy to receive money from every week.
Most bosses think their workers have no father and are "lazy", whereas most workers think that their boss has no father and is "ignorant".
Some Bosses wear T-shirt and were "Born in the USA". Though this isn't very common, luckily.
Brassiere a kit bag for keeping breasts in.
Curiosity a disease that kills cats.
Dancing a series of physical movements specifically designed to humiliate men.
Darts a game invented by men to get their own back on women for inventing dancing.
Eccentric a description of someone who is weird but you still like them.
Factory a place where most people are paid weekly, as opposed to an Office where people are paid too much.
Flirt the art of being sexually attractive to the opposite sex when you know you won't have to back it up.
Fond a term used to describe one person's affection for another just before the words "I'm leaving you" or "It wouldn't work".
Genealogy a history or record of a human family's descent and lineage in order to ascertain whether the mass murderers come from the
mother's side of the family or the father's. In order to study Genealogy correctly you have to keep a skeleton in a cupboard.
Grope to feel around in the dark in the hope of finding something more interesting than the film you're not watching.
Guitar a musical instrument played with gritted teeth and a pained expression. It can be played by plucking the strings, but its not as
One of the most famous Earth guitar players is called a Clapton. Clapton apparently "lives". This is true because it says so on many
railway bridges. He is also a "god", which is just as well because he shot the sheriff.
Clapton was in a band called Cream. The drummer was called Ginger Biscuit.
Headache 1. A form of illness a lot of women get when they go to bed.
2. A form a illness a lot of men get when they wake up (see hangover)
Idol an image worshiped as a god (see Rock Guitarist)
Index a page in a book that is only referred to after you've flipped through the book and not found what you are looking for. Interestingly
enough the finger used for this page flipping is called your "Middle" finger.
Jock Strap a sleeping bag for genitals.
Kaleidoscope a toy that young people use to see what it's like taking hallucinogenic drugs
(a) The bright stuff that helps you see
(b) Sex. As in the Earth _expression: "Have you got a light?", which means "Can we have sex?"
Metronome an instrument with a pendulum used for making children cry when they are learning the piano.
Orgasm a physical sensation similar to your brain and groin trying to swap places. And succeeding.
Orgy you had to be there.
Party a gathering of people who do all the things they wouldn't do in their own home. Aliens should note that if there is nothing left to drink, they should look in the following places:
(a) The oven (cider).
(b) The bread bin (wine)
(c) The toilet cistern (whiskey).
Pea a bit of a mystery. Humans keep going out for one but never bring one back.
Redecorate a word Earth women use when they want to see the blood rush out of Earth men's faces.
Rock Guitarist the name given to a person who performs on stage and appears to be in immense pain all the time. It is the Rock
Guitarist's job to grimace at the audience and wave his guitar all over the place when the singer stops singing so that the audience has
something to look at.
Tights a form of nylon bag women keep their legs in.
Vibrato an effect nightclub singers use to try and disguise the fact that they can't sing.
A similar effect can be achieved by resting your throat on a road drill.
Wench a woman who loosens nuts
Wrench a spanner for tightening loose women.
Y-front a type of underwear for men who like to find things where they left them.
Yodel a noise caused by trying to dislocate your throat and wrap your tongue around your head at the same time.
This is usually done up mountains so as not to upset the neighbors.
Zen the religion of looking into your own mind and finding that you aren't in.
Courtesy of Alien-Culture...
Men say women are complicated I say men are fucked up. They say we say are problematical. Yeah fucking right!!! They are just too lazy to think, and only do it when it suits them. How did I come to that generalization? Same way men do. One horrible experience with one woman and all women fall into that doomed category. Now change the genders and you have your answer.
I thought I loved man. Was so full of shit that I wanted to keep him (thats what I do, I keep those who are unbearable). But he could not have me only. He wanted others too, and I was to be the Top Queen. I was, for a while, until I discovered that I deserved all, not just a portion. (Well, I knew that all along, but just (pretended that I) didnt care). I kept telling myself that if I hang in there, stayed around for a while, he might see how good I am to him and maybe leave the rest.
So finally, I walked. It hurt, it killed my very essence of love, but I lived to tell. Then I met another incredible man. One who makes me think nothing else in this world matters apart from him and I. But then, isnt that what I felt when I met the man from Down Under? Isnt this the same feeling I had? Dont ask me why I'm doing the musical chairs - dont we all always hope the next will last longer, perhaps forever?
So I call him. Big mistake, but hey I was in a career turmoil. Tell him we need to talk (about my career). He might not be prince charming, but hes a damn good Creative. Anyway, we talk my work for a long time about work, then about my future, then about work, then about his future, then about his past, his work, my work, our defunct relationship big mistake number two then come the shocker. Man wants back in. and I wonder is he for real. Well, thats pretty redundant coz I know hes not a for real man. Hes got more spunk than I can muster in 10 years...and believe you me; I'm the queen of spunk. He gave good head. he was attentive to my (sexual) needs (and I'm sure to many others). He was, in a word: Awesome. But ain't all those you cant have for keeps?
Hes seen the light, hes discovered that I'm the only person, and in this case, woman who'd stripped him of all pretenses, seen beyond the perfectly-controlled fascia, (well, everybody thinks hes got it figured out, I kno(e)w otherwise). He'd decided he wants to settle down, and his tired testosterones had showed him me. He painted this picture of how glorious our life together was and could still be, and just there and then I thanked him for such an artistic approach. I saw the gloriousness, yes, and then I saw the deceit, the hidden pain, the frustration, the need to be complete but never quite getting there, the having him there but not having him at all when I put them on a scale, glorious on one side, deceit, pain, frustration, presence with absence I don't have to say which side went so low the scale tipped over.
I tell him too late, I got a man who hell never come close to even being like, not that I want him to be anyway. And he is all-apologetic for letting me go, and wonders what itd take to make me come back. No even the rains here in Africa!! But he got me thinking. that I said no to this offer coz I got another man. That if I was all lonely and sex-starved, I would have jumped at the idea, only to go back to the same life story. He made me realize that we make the same mistakes over and over for luck of an alternative. For search of something/someone to believe in, in search of a place to belong, a comforter, a partner, no matter how short the end of the stick handed to us is.
And this greatly strips love of all the allure that its purported to have for me. If I can feel that good about one person, wipe him off my life (heart) and replace him with another completely different person, and still claim to feel the same (if not more) kind of feeling towards this new person, what kind of demented, crazy kind of emotion is that? Cant it take form or shape and settle on one? Why manifest itself as awesome and incredible on one situation (person), turn to hate and anger in the next instance with the same person, only to transfer itself to the former state, this time harder, in a different situation, to a different person? Why so fucked up? why?