May 19, 2006

I pride myself in knowing lots of things ...especially those i have no business knowing...those that make you think about nothign in particular..but you just, well, think! one thing i however, just demoted from that list of 'things i know that i know' to the 'things i know i don't know' is LOVE. i understand the love for puppies and kittens and yes, soccer, but i don't get it when it comes to a man and a woman (maybe i should try asking from a gay point of view??)

Every time i meet a man who i think i want to be wiht, it's always the same. i feel the rush, teh adrenalin, all those confusing emotions that should be felt. After we've gone through the motions and our true colours are out..then we go that so-hated period..breakup..usually the East if falling in love is the West.

I came to realize that i could control my emotions just before i got the West feeling..which i did. I simply refused (stubborn unto myself) to have expectations of the forthcoming relation.i did not expect the guy to like me as much i like him, i did not expect him to do the things i did for him, and would not go out of my way to please him. If it worked for me, then it was it. if it did not, the fuck it. (well, not really fuck it, coz that would be a good thing..)

what this led to is more of a mutual understanding..that actually worked!! this is where i began to try and distinguish love, compromise and mutual understanding. i figured that in love..you go out of your way to have the other person as happy as can be, as long as they do they same for you, otherwise, you get the short / wrong / burnt end of the rope/candle whatever the expression. which is, in a longer but simpler term, compromise. i discovered that love and compromise are mutually exclusive. mutual understanding, is what works..what is practical, without forcing issues...compromise is out. and now I'm stuck with distinguishing mutual understanding and love.but i cannot do that until i understand love..which i don't. i know the definition, but I've also come to realize that this is one of the few words that the practicality and technicality of it goes way far beyond and against the meaning it's proposed to have.

Webster and Oxford can not give it to me first hand..so I'm setting my self on a journey to experience it. i'm going to see if love and mutual understanding are different , or if one is actually a component of the other. and can a mutual understanding survive without love, or will it fail in the way love fails in the absence of compromise?

May 09, 2006

You might have gotten me wrong when i talk about wedlock. I just hate the context in which that word is applied. it is made to look as if it is the (insit)u(t)nion that justifies sex. not that it stops anyone from wandering...to me, it just provides the sand for the fidelityphobic persons to bury their head in...or that proverbial blade of grass.

I'm not pointing fingers, and merely pointing accusatory fingers!

What amazes me is the extends that people (adults) will go to direct those fingers to us (so called-young-ones) yet they are the same men who will grab the nearest 3 year old girl (including their daughters). Which is worse, me getting babies out of wed(ding)lock or them defiling babies. why is it that what (we) young people do is blown out of proportion and everything they do is played cool and actually 'deliberated upon'? What kind of shyte is that???

I'm done being docile today, tomorrow i start ranting...

May 04, 2006

I have spent my life being the kid who turned out wrong. the one who did not listen. what they did not know is that i was more than listening, i was analyzing what i was supposed to listen and adhere to.

I talk closet to home, that means i give the most practical examples to everything i refer to. and in this case, i take on my parents. they had the idea of what i should be (like) long before i was born, and i can trace this to the fact that their parents too had it for them. and since they did not become who they should have (become) they set on a psychological journey of reflecting the(ir) unfulfilled dreams on me.

I had my own, and worse still, i kno(e)w how to use it. and use it i did. I defied. Now, Defy, Rebellion - are a words i like, because their meanings shows what i (have to) spen(nd)t my life proving. it 's like having your cake and eating it, only this time, the cake got poison.

The verb defy has 3 meanings:

Meaning #1: resist or confront with resistance
Synonyms: withstand, hold, hold up

Meaning #2: elude, esp. in a baffling way
Synonyms: resist, refuse
Antonym: lend oneself (meaning #1)

Meaning #3: challenge
Synonym: dare

Rebel(llion) has deeper and more meanings that i wont subject you to. But my point here is, you never push against blank or nothingness, you do not resist vacuum, you resist an exertion of a form of push / power or any establishment that hinders a movement in the direction you are geared to.

And that is where i confront with resistance any form of organization that seeks to veer me from my intended purpose.

I am the girl who never believed in 'giving birth in wedlock' and that made me bad. Let's look at wedlock. It is comes from two words Wed and lock. we all know what wed means, then we know that lock (ed) is not so pleasant a situation to be in.Whoever said i had to give birth inside a locked up institution called wed(ded, ing)? and just by the fact that he (whoever) said it, who is the judge that that is the 'correct path' to take (to give birth). and what makes it the correct path , anyway, if a 'correct path' actually does exist in the first place! i think the reason as to why such things, like giving birth were not made a community (group) activity is because nature (or God if you believe) knew that a person had the ability to make a simple decision like when and when not to. it beats me where people get off telling me (others) what and when to use their bodies (for anything)! of what effect is my conception got to do with the society? tell me. it's mine, let me worry about it!

Gotta (pretend to)work....rant soon...

http://www.insurgentdesire.org.uk/jensen.htm)

;;