After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. .
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to leave you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.
As I am still learning....
From my good pal - Justin - who is WelHung (No you pervert, that means Half Welsh, half Hungarian. Well, actually, not really!
I was goona post this on Wednesday (today is Friday) with good news about my life and how I'm coping. I has a marvelous time at Outspan Hotel in Mt. Kenya, wont go into details. It's beautiful place, and I wanna go back, this time with better company.
Anyway, I came back and left for Kitengela same day. My hot-blond-blue-eyed-not-so-very-gay-friend invited me to his house, which borders the Nairobi National Park,and had the time of my life.that is after he had taken me on a jolly drive to the most interior parts of Dagoretti for...MEAT!!! Picture blonde-blue-eyed near Dagoretti Market at midnight...now picture me...fit?
Slept to the sound of the raindrops hard on the iron sheets, snuggled into duvet and had that lonely feeling (well, that always happens if the rain is hard and I'm alone). Then the bad news... my ex ex, (not funny) the Creative Director I talked about - the one who wanted back in (i should have gone!!) got an accident on Sunday (when i as busy 'havin fun' :-) and his best friend together with his wife died on the spot. My ex ex came out a little bit hurt, physically. Mentally, he is tormented. He pushes me away and there is nothing i can do about it. He refuses to see anyone... and it kills me.
Now I'm thinking, just that week, we had argued about him and I and what kind of relationship we had, and how he is never there for me and maybe it's because he is punishing me or my earlier sins. When we fought, we made love. He text-ed me on Wednesday - One-liner ' Wanna shag?' I was not pissed. He was drunk, so i did not take any notice. I remember telling him : I really don't care about whatever he wanted. When I was told about the accident, i was speechless. I fucking cared. I cared that i came close to loosing him. I love him and despite what pulled us apart, i did not want him out of my life like that.True he pisses me, I even piss him off more. But that accident opened my eyes to how fragile life is and why I should hold my tongue, even in anger.
As i thought about him, i remembered my other pal in hospital and i realized that we have no control whatsoever in the direction our lives take, no matter how hard we try. I wondered, i he knew he was gonna get that accident, would he have got into the car? what would have have done differently with his pal who died? If my other pal knew her boyfriend as gonna push her off 3rd floor balcony, what would she have done differently?
I decided it's either i get off this out of control world or i evaluate each decision, each word, each action, as if it were my last.
Oh, i started my new job which I'm gonna quit in January for a month to try another one then make a decision then... life never stops..
It's late..and here I am wondering what is wrong with me. Just of nowhere, after seeing my pal, some hours ago my body just shut down and I had to check myself to a hospital. When i got there, i went into a trance, just like that! I just sat there, immobile.Nothing made sense. Everyone seemed to be moving around, lifting this and that, just confusing me, making so much noise and I wanted to scream 'SHUT UP'. i placed my fingers on my ears and the doctor just looked at me. i think he was talking but i was not there. I know my mind shuts off sometimes esp. when someone talks to me for too long. i don't drift away. the voice just fades and i just sit there. I was told I'm like 1% autistic but hey, this was different. Apparently it's my body's way of blocking out stress and psychological/ emotional trauma. I could not fucking believe it!! I mean, I was the epitome of good health and stress free life a couple of hours ago (like when I was writing about my pal who was thrown off the balcony by her b/f).
Then the doctor wanted to keep me in for the night and I was like , hold on, you don't understand. There is nothing wrong with me, I just need to get my life on track, as soon as i get my mind off youknowho. and we had a fight...literally. And I REFUSED to be kept in. my head was not mine for a while. it was full and empty at the same time. it was throbbing and I could literally see the throbs. I was in for like 7 hours, and it seemed like i was in there for like 30 minutes. Anyway, i did not want o admit that I'm loosing it, that I've played strong for too long and my body is crying foul. i have forced it to stay clam against it's better judgment. It's funny, because i was convinced that i was fine and the worst had passed. apparently the worst is still to come. The psychiatrist (or whatever) said that until i let it take over me, it will be worse as days go by. i don't know how to let it take over me, because, hey, i cried. i can't cry anymore. i mean today I actually did FORCE myself to cry and no tears came !! i know i have not been sleeping, but well, i say up listening to music or reading and i never thought that was abnormal. I think I'm mad anyway. When the doctor asked what time i sleep i said 4 am...and he asked 'that did not strike you as abnormal? I said, 'well, i was up reading. 'for exams?' he asked. 'nope, just books' he shook his head. i have to admit, then i did not see the abnormality of it. He said that my mind is blocking the truth, and the minute i accept it, it will all fall into place. now that a phrase I hate ' fall into place' where is 'place' and when do you know that that is the 'place' they are supposed to 'fall'? i mean i hardly know the 'place', how to get there, and why the fuck i never get there and if it comes by a sleigh of the hand???? anyway, whatever 'place' things' are supposed to 'fall' it never happened to me and that now explains why I'm going psycho??? I'm fucking lost!!
I have ranted enough. I will be put on compulsory bed rest if it happens again, i was threatened. and jabbed with something...my nightmare. but i heard it will make me deliriously happy. and now i feel the first throes of headache hitting, and i have to close my eyes and hope that it all goes away, and my life is back to what it was in May...
My twisted life took a 360degree turn today. Yesterday (before i went bonkers), i had gone for a interview kind of thing. I call it that coz we kept drifting from the topic and talking about stuff about the industry, people, quotes...you know it ended up being more of a chat than an interview. I think that is how all interviews should be conduced. I think we learnt a thing or four from the conversation other than i want money and they want a worker... they had a good deal i have to say, plus i get a chance to work on feature films. i have been dying to get a gig that big and well, here it is. Then my ex boss (who is housing me now) wants to counter offer that!! she has literally begged me not to take any job this month of December and she will pay to wait until January when she will have made a decision on what to offer me to counter the other offer. THEN, as soon as i came back to Nairobi, i sent out a couple of CV's that did not seem to be doing me any good. this Advertising Agency writes to me and ask show soon i can start. I said we have to meet and review their terms of engagement. At the same time, there is this other woman who wants to talk about me working for her..
Basically, I have offers left right and above, not forgetting center and I'm confused. Do i want the money, do i follow passion? I had this dilemma before i quit my job (which is now calling me back, with a better offer) and then, it was i was not getting enough money and yet i was reluctant o quit coz i loved my job here. Now this is the reverse. I have the place i loved, who did not offer me money, who are willing to do it now, and another one who is offering me the money, plus the chance to expand myself as Production Manager. My dream is to own a Production house before I'm 30 and if that is not possible, to be out of Kenya and working on big-ass productions. One or the other. And i just realized to day that I'm every employers dream. I'm kinda driven by loyalty and in away i felt like i wooed it to my ex boss to stay with her. I love the company yes, but i decided to look at the other one as a potential loyalty receiver.
I'm gonna attend all these interview or meeting and listen o how much I'll let go by pursuing my passion.
I'm so happy to be getting a chance to be going back to work. Funny thing is, ever since i was 17, i have never been out of a job for more than two months. I don't even know why i worry when I'm out of employment!! and most of these jobs just come knocking!! i guess i was to be unlucky in love and lucky in career, and well, i know I'm good at what i do...
So now I'm bracing myself for anew start..literally. New job, new house, new life. I'm feeling like a newborn, only newborns don't have the trauma and scars of the past life (or do they? - Isabel, do not mention the umbilical cord / navel).
Have to go now... i feel so good today!!
I told Isabel that I was rising from the water and i felt like the phoenix and she had the nerve to correct me and say that the phoenix rose from the fire. whatever the case, i rose and i felt like what i imagine the phoenix must have felt...reborn!
I have had a feelings conflicting week that made me question the essence of life and why we bother living at all. don't be so quick to judge and relax, I'm not gonna pick the next study looking rope and decide it looks better on my neck that the beautiful silver elephant chain that currently resided there.
I spent the week sourcing for jobs which you guessed right did not get any.Yes, i was given hopes only to dwindle when everything looks promising. I have also been house hunting my ass off (not that i managed to shed any of it). all the same i felt revitalized. After gathering all the guts i could muster, i visited the dentist. After prodding me for a few minutes, he calmly (the nerve!) suggested that i will have to have two molars removed. Well, that did not sound so bad (never had my teeth extracted by some car-mechanic looking object) until i saw the looooooong needle. I actually suggested that he remove the tooth without the anesthetic's!! Anyway, it took 30 minutes for him to convince me that needles don't kill and i could actually live with the trauma blah blah..in short, he had to play psychiatrist before taking over dentistry. He finally removed the tooth, woe to the assistant who got first hand experience of how strong my small palms really are. The next appointment i missed (pretended that i got late visiting a friend). I finally gathered the courage on Tuesday and had the other tooth extracted and my teeth cleaned with some drill sounding machine. Isabel made fun of me all through lunch as I kept complaining that my mouth felt like i had Kilimanjaro weighing it down. To forget the ordeal, i did what takes me away from this world.. I took myself for a movie. Accepted was it's name ..it was worth it though, only because it was a very silly film left all my popcorn untouched. (now why the hell did i even bother buying it!!) On Sunday, i attended an amazing rock show . there is nothing as fulfilling as watching those kids give it their all for something they will look back on 20 years from now and say..i got my first real six string, played it till my fingers bled...me and some guys from school...you know the drill. the heart and gusto they put into their music is amazing and trust me when i say I'd do anything in my power (wallet power) to promote them.
I got a call on Friday from some well know lady who owns a Production House and asked to see me on Monday...today. So i woke up all ready and eager...i need a real job. On my way there, i decide to call a friend of mine, just to say hi.. her friend picks the phone. this is how the conversation went:(names changed)
Me: Hi Cate
A:This is not Cate, this is Shiku
Me:Oh, hi Shiku. where is Cate
A:She is in Hospital
Me: Why, what is wrong?
A: She got thrown off the balcony
Me: What? by whom?
A: Ken (her boyfriend)
A: I know...
Me: f**..why would he do that?
A: she came home from a night out on Sunday morning and he was angry. pushed her from their balcony..
At this point i lost contact with the world. all i could think of is my pal Cate and her jolly nature. she is such a bubbly gal..she will be the girl who called me for that job in Lamu, and gave me a place to stay when i was still in Mombasa but had to work in Nairobi. I thought about how she told me that my ex was undeserving of me and how i should never let a man dictate how i run my life or affect the decisions i make concerning my life. in short, she drilled sense into me..about a man. In Lamu, we talked about men, including hers and how she should leave coz he cheats on her regularly. One night, they had a fight in Lamu and she sought refuge in my room. he came budging in and was practically pulling her out of the bed. He quit when i threatened to scream.
I wondered why i never took that incident seriously...why she never took it seriously. why she let him back into her life...her house!!! when i started writing this, my ex calls, we were meant to do a job out of town. and he has the nerve to tell me that he is bringing some girl. and i wonder, what is it with men, really? Why would he wanna do that? To make sure he hurts me more? Well, forget about me, I'm still walking around, and my pal is in hospital, thrown from a 3rd floor balcony and now I'm too scared to go see her, coz i just don't know what i will find out. And what hurts the most, is that it was done by a man she loved. a man without a job who she kept in her house.
And i wonder, what is love? why should do we bother? why is life so unsure? why do i even bother living if one day life is gone be yanked off my feet in a snap? why?
I'm currently thing about James Blunt..Out of My Mind, and you should all listen to the words carefully...