January 31, 2011

I came across this on one of my mindless roamings ( i know there is no plural, suck it!) around the Net.
**I suggest you do not attempt to drink  and that your bladder is empty before reading this post.
I stole this post on http://www.cracked.com

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Everybody is a comedian these days, and the Internet has given us all an enormous stage. Maybe the best example is a supposedly comedy-free site like Amazon.com.
The deal is, anybody can write a review, on any product, whether they have bought it or not. So it's just a matter of finding a baffling/ridiculous/useless product and watching the Internet's sarcasm run wild. For instance, just check out the reviews for ...

#8.The "Guardian Angel" Acupuncture Device
Yeah, I know, sex toy jokes, right? Fortunately Amazon reviewers turn out to be more creative than you and I:
Bizarrely so:
By the way, the product description claims it's a Korean acupressure device. You roll it around on your hand and it cures your arthritis or something. That actually leads me to quote one more review:
All right, I guess there was room for at least one good sex toy joke.

#7.Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk
This is a laptop desk that attaches to the steering wheel of your car, which is all that really needs to be said. But, of course, Amazon reviewers take pointing out what's wrong with it to the next level.
I should point out that, when we're done laughing at the stories of people mixing cocktails and eating chili while driving, there are some people who might actually get some use out of this when their car is safely parked. People like claims adjusters or real estate agents, who have to drive from client to client without returning to the office and need to do paperwork in the parking lot.
Not to be a wet blanket and say you can't cut lines of coke during a high-speed chase once in a while. Just do it responsibly.

#6.Uranium Ore
This is just your average can of uranium ore (well, the store that sells it also sells Geiger counters, UFO/ESP detectors and a camera for taking pictures of psychic auras, so take that as you will). So you've got your standard, "It mutated all the ants in my house!" reviews, but the best ones here are the ones you didn't see coming. Like this:
Or you can just enjoy this Back to the Future reference.
The title's all you need from that one.

#5.How To Avoid Huge Ships
Owners of small boats sometimes end up in the path of large shipping vessels due to not paying attention to shipping etiquette and rules, so sure, it's something people might need to read up on. Still, as you can imagine, the title of this one sent the sarcasm meter into the red:
As if that wasn't enough, Madeleine B. piles on an additional layer of sarcasm icing on the sarcasm cake:
What's it like to be so perfect, indeed.

When I first read this, and esp the one about Huge Ships, I literally fell of my chair.Nate literally picked me up!

Moving on----

#4.Playmobil Security Check Point
This toy is a model of a security checkpoint at an airport, with the same luggage x-ray and metal detector that has been standard in U.S. airports since the 1970s. Naturally, most reviewers use this as a launching pad for diatribes against the U.S. government and the "police state" represented by the new controversial full-body scanners:
OK, that might be kind of a ha-ha satire of people who overreact to toys or something. I'm sure they don't really think that airport security belongs in the same category as waterboarding.
I cut it off there because this guy wrote a whole fucking essay about our police state and what's wrong with airport security and how the system favors the rich and something about Guantanamo. I think he started out planning to write a joke about how thanks to some interesting timing, a previously innocent toy for kids now reminds people of a current controversy and then remembered how much he hated the TSA and started writing a Letter to the Editor.
I'm not joking when I say it's an essay, here's what the whole thing looks like.
"But wait," you might say, "I agree with that guy and find his stupid essay funny and enlightening. Can't a person make a political point and also get it across humorously, even if you disagree with him?"
Sure, but it wouldn't look like that. It would probably look something like this.
You can thank Amazon reviewer John T. Thompson for that.

#3.Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable
If you are any kind of tech person you probably know the whole high-end cable business is a scam. There is nothing more highly marked up and full of bullshit technobabble buzzwords than TV or computer cables in an electronics store. In a field of bullshitters, this cable was a bullshit medalist, though, with an original list price of $500, for a five-foot ethernet cable. Tech geeks tore it to pieces.
As you can see, the bitingly sarcastic reviewers were remarkably balanced. Not only did they talk about the cable's miraculous benefits, but were open about the dangers of such amazing technology:
I'm actually a little scared now.

#2.Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit
For whatever reason, some people do sell medical supplies on Amazon that only a doctor should be using. Like this exam table. I hope to God that it's only doctors that are buying these things, anyway. Still, reviewers had a field day:
Mysterious "Parent Child Testing Product"
Amazon users do their best to answer the question on everyone's mind: "What the hell is this?"
Sure, I could tell you what the deal is with this listing but that would be like explaining how Santa could never get to every child's house in one night. Isn't there little enough wonder left in the world without taking this away?

*end of my theft

One of the wonderful, yet disturbing thing about US is what people are willing to take each other to court for.  You know, like the Dartmouth professor who sued students for being mean,  accused students in her French narrative theory class of "anti-intellectualism" or the man who sued his dry cleaning company for $67 million for inconvenience, mental anguish and attorney's fees for representing himself, as a result of their failure, in Pearson's opinion, to live up to a "satisfaction guaranteed" sign that was displayed in the store. He later came back, said he thought his claim was outrageous, and reduced it to a more favorable figure, $54 million. He was going to use part of that money to rent a car that he would use to drive to a new dry cleaner. 

Today however, in my book, won the most hilariously absurd of all. Now, I am not a fan of P Diddy and his many, many dramas, but this time round, I am on the poor guy's side. Sometime ago, he met a woman, did all the nasty stuff he does with his women and left. Hell, having no fury like a woman scorned, puked out its rejects and out came this woman. Her name is Valerie Joyce Wilson Turks, and by jove, she is scorned! She is has a list of complains, and is asking for her day in court. In her very short list of grievances, the following are her claims:
  • P Diddy caused 9/11. No more details offered on how and why. But he allegedly did this with the help of  his ex, Kim Porter and the famous Rodney King . You will remembered Mr. King as they guy who was beaten up by some racist LA cops back in '91. 
  • P Diddy also put Turks some to hospital.  She says - "[Diddy] went through Kim Porter and Rodney King and knocked down the WTC and then they all came and knocked my children down. Set me up to be on disability and disabled my baby. He put my baby in a wheelchair."  If I was the judge, I would love to hear how Diddy "went through Kim Porter and Rodney King and knocked down the WTC"
  • Turks went gambling in Mississippi with Diddy and won some money. She had a chip that Diddy kept, she heard that he gave it to a certain Gwen, who cannot cash it. This chip is worth ' 100 zilion of dollars'. I did not even know that that is an actual amount!
  • from RadarOnline.
  • She's asking for $900 billion dollars in child support, and $100 billion dollars for "loss of income". 
Whatever  P Diddy is mixed up in this time round, sure is twisted! And if he indeed had sexual relations with that woman and fathered her baby, then he just hit an ever lower low!

Methinks I should dig up men from my past and sue them for something. I don't now, maybe loss of time when I was dating them? And perhaps put a monetary value on that time, at say, $1000,000 per second spent with me?

Of Names

There is a trend in our household. By our, I mean Nate and I (and our Spitz-Terrier Frosty who is still part of, but in another continent). The trend is  where I bring up babies, he ignores it. I bring up baby (notice the tense) he kinda indulges. While we are on the baby topic, we discuss names. He is supposed to name the baby if its a girl, I will name if its a boy. I pretty much have decided the name, which he actually likes, but he has not come up with the girl name. At this rate, when we do get the baby, and its a girl, she is going to be nameless for a while.

So today, by some chance, I was reading about something very unrelated to babies and names, when I came across this

Now, if that is really his name,  I bet his parents never had conversation on what they would name their baby. Or maybe the woman left it to her man, who was too lazy, and picked the first name off his brain, since little man was now born ans they needed something to write on his birth certificate.