June 27, 2006

I thought I was going to experiment with love, without compromise. I'm in love, (if that's what I feel) but am not so sure about the compromise part. I mean, I got the most laid back guy in the world, and he surfs life...enjoys the annoying padding for hours (you see that he ain't going anywhere but), then rides the awesome wave for 10 fucking seconds, and he is most happy. I'm also talking about ocean surfing.

I, on the other hand, has to make sure everything is running right, that stuff (in my life) is smooth and I got my bases covered (as if I ever know what they are anyway). I give meaning to everything (well, for the past 2 months I haven't bothered). But something happened to my Leo and I'm giving it meaning. I'm all paranoid and all skeptical now. I'm questioning the validity, am questioning the strength, am questioning my (his) stand, and I'm scared. I never never admit to being scared but this time round, i see it all happening again. It's the case of the Jaded Lover, of same scripts, slightly different cast, starring me. It's not Deja vu, it's reality, and I fucking hate it.

I quit a lot in my life, not coz I don't believe that winners are not quitters, but what's the point? Why keep draining water that drips through a leaky roof? If you cant fix the roof, you might as well let the water in...get drenched...whatever! It's like playing the Moth-Light game...eventually, the satisfaction is attained, but you're dead. Quit might be a strong word to use, I could try abandon/ desert...simply, discard. I believe in fighting for, but I also believe in evaluating the worthiness of the object of the fight. Why fight for a grain of sand when you the shores are bulging with gazillions? You might argue that no two grains are alike, but hey, since its still sand, why not adapt it to your liking? Why spend my life following that sand that will never be mine? Why not let it be covered with some aquatic shit then maybe, when its a pearl, if ever, it might be worth it? I don't think I understand myself much right now, but then again, I don't have to.

I'm (not) a worrier as such, but am now stranded. I might be making a mountain out of an anthill, but who said that the latter couldn't always grow into the former?

Ill stop my speculation (for now), and do the wait-n-see crappy thing, which I'm not so good at. It means nothing really; I'm just paranoid... I mean what could possibly happen? (My fucking conscious is annoying) Its the test of time,(or so i say) the one that is meant to show you if you stand by each other or at the slightest hint of trouble, you make a dash for the door...or the window or any opening.

I know you haven't figured out what I'm talking about,(or could have) maybe one day, you will, when I'm back here with either good or bad news. What other choice is there? Till then, wish me luck...and love.

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