20 Jul 2006

Alien Dictionary

Alcohol a clear liquid that humans drink to make themselves feel better.
It is disguised with different colors and tastes so that it doesn't become boring.
Some of the methods of disguising alcohol are quite extraordinary. The effect of alcohol on humans is to make them fall down at parties.
Those who don't fall down tend to become friendly and start singing. Those who don't fall down or become friendly tend to go around
hitting people.

Alcoholic something that contains alcohol is called alcoholic.
This should not be confused with someone containing alcohol, which is called a "Pain-in-the-Neck", unless there are several of them, in
which case they are called a "stag-night", or "hen party". The "stag" part, meaning: "lots of drunken men being vulgar and urinating in
public places", and the "hen" part meaning: "lots of women being frighteningly hysterical in the street and wearing something strange,
whilst one of them is sick because she had twelve rum and blacks before she even came out of the house.

Antisocial the type of person who won't join in when all his friends are shouting, being crude, spilling drink and dropping their trousers.
Strangely enough, this is also the word used to describe the people who do.

Band a group of people who get together every week to argue.
Some of these groups are called "Rock Bands". This is because most of them act like they belong to the Stone Age.
The most famous Rock Band in the world was called the Rolling Stones. They were famous because the lead singer was actually Ned

Beer the name given to an alcoholic beverage that humans drink a lot of .
It is important to remember that if you ever get lost on Earth it is possible to ascertain where you are by the taste of the beer you have just
If the rink tastes of crushed apples you are in Somerset in the South West of England.
If the drink tastes of hops and yeast you are in the Northern part of England.
If it tastes like bat's piss you are in London.

Boss the name given to a human that nobody likes but are quite happy to receive money from every week.
Most bosses think their workers have no father and are "lazy", whereas most workers think that their boss has no father and is "ignorant".
Some Bosses wear T-shirt and were "Born in the USA". Though this isn't very common, luckily.

Brassiere a kit bag for keeping breasts in.

Curiosity a disease that kills cats.

Dancing a series of physical movements specifically designed to humiliate men.

Darts a game invented by men to get their own back on women for inventing dancing.

Eccentric a description of someone who is weird but you still like them.

Factory a place where most people are paid weekly, as opposed to an Office where people are paid too much.

Flirt the art of being sexually attractive to the opposite sex when you know you won't have to back it up.
Fond a term used to describe one person's affection for another just before the words "I'm leaving you" or "It wouldn't work".

Genealogy a history or record of a human family's descent and lineage in order to ascertain whether the mass murderers come from the
mother's side of the family or the father's. In order to study Genealogy correctly you have to keep a skeleton in a cupboard.

Grope to feel around in the dark in the hope of finding something more interesting than the film you're not watching.

Guitar a musical instrument played with gritted teeth and a pained expression. It can be played by plucking the strings, but its not as
much fun.
One of the most famous Earth guitar players is called a Clapton. Clapton apparently "lives". This is true because it says so on many
railway bridges. He is also a "god", which is just as well because he shot the sheriff.
Clapton was in a band called Cream. The drummer was called Ginger Biscuit.

Headache 1. A form of illness a lot of women get when they go to bed.
2. A form a illness a lot of men get when they wake up (see hangover)

Idol an image worshiped as a god (see Rock Guitarist)

Index a page in a book that is only referred to after you've flipped through the book and not found what you are looking for. Interestingly
enough the finger used for this page flipping is called your "Middle" finger.

Jock Strap a sleeping bag for genitals.

Kaleidoscope a toy that young people use to see what it's like taking hallucinogenic drugs

Light either:
(a) The bright stuff that helps you see
(b) Sex. As in the Earth _expression: "Have you got a light?", which means "Can we have sex?"

Metronome an instrument with a pendulum used for making children cry when they are learning the piano.

Orgasm a physical sensation similar to your brain and groin trying to swap places. And succeeding.

Orgy you had to be there.

Party a gathering of people who do all the things they wouldn't do in their own home. Aliens should note that if there is nothing left to drink, they should look in the following places:
(a) The oven (cider).
(b) The bread bin (wine)
(c) The toilet cistern (whiskey).

Pea a bit of a mystery. Humans keep going out for one but never bring one back.

Redecorate a word Earth women use when they want to see the blood rush out of Earth men's faces.

Rock Guitarist the name given to a person who performs on stage and appears to be in immense pain all the time. It is the Rock
Guitarist's job to grimace at the audience and wave his guitar all over the place when the singer stops singing so that the audience has
something to look at.

Tights a form of nylon bag women keep their legs in.

Vibrato an effect nightclub singers use to try and disguise the fact that they can't sing.
A similar effect can be achieved by resting your throat on a road drill.

Wench a woman who loosens nuts

Wrench a spanner for tightening loose women.

Y-front a type of underwear for men who like to find things where they left them.

Yodel a noise caused by trying to dislocate your throat and wrap your tongue around your head at the same time.
This is usually done up mountains so as not to upset the neighbors.

Zen the religion of looking into your own mind and finding that you aren't in.

Courtesy of Alien-Culture...

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