What Happens...

Life is what you wish you had but you don't. It is what you see from a far and yearn for, or in some cases, actually pursue it diligently, if only to have a taste of what you think other out there might be enjoying. Life wheezes pass you like that cab that won't stop when you hail, but will not hesitate to splash muddy waters on you on the pavement. And as you watch it speed away, you realize that you have just been dealt a very bad hand, and lady luck has retired, not for the night, but for the decade. Every morning on my way to work, I'm forced to stare outside the car window for long (long is used loosely as this could stand for 2 – 5 minutes) and sometimes, I do actually pay attention. Sometime last week, I observed, really observed. I become aware of a small pickup truck that I meet with at around the same time every day. It's a very nondescript car, and you are likely to ignore it. What made me notice it were the chickens in the back. The owners have constructed a mesh cage and horizontally divided in into two, thus making a double storied kind of cage. They pack chickens – hybrid broilers / or old layers on their way to the slaughters house – that is my assumption – in these two stories. The chickens sit quietly, almost demurely, as if cognizant of what awaits them.

Is this any different from my journey to work? Do the chickens also look at me and feel that fore boarding sense of worry and pity towards me? Do they look at me with their tiny beady eyes and wonder whether I know what awaits me, what the day that the night worked behind the veil of darkness to so deftly craft hold for me? Douglas Adams almost convinced me that mice do run earth. In one of these traffic snarls, my house mate and I got into a conversation, well more of a speculation about Mice and Cockroaches. I will give them first Caps as this will somehow recognize their yet-to-be-proved dominance. Cockroaches will be the only surviving living things on the planet when we finally fry ourselves up with UV rays and other cosmic rays and their off springs, radioisotopes. And we wondered, is there a scientific research, maybe in the USA, or Russia or even Japan, to make a replica of the cockroaches shell for humans to wear protectively, when we can no longer make higher SPF's? And Mice actually do run the universe; that every little thing we do, no matter how ingenious is orchestrated by Mice. Which is what got me wondering to my housemate in the car, what of the mice that scientists conduct research on? He thought that those were the prisoners or pariahs of the Mice kingdom, and being subjects of us lowly brained beings is their punishment. I thought he had a point. Imagine the lowest animal you can think of on earth, actually, expand your thinking, in the universe. Now imagine you being condemned to be the subject of its meaningless research.

What I fail to understand is why you would allow yourself to be one of the dirtiest animals on earth, especially if you controlled Earth. I mean, look at all the advancement we have thereof. Even in my pea sized brain (I'm looking at my brain from a Mice Point of view); I would surely want to be a greater animal. It's like God choosing to send Jesus as a pig to rescue the human race. I would call that very bad mathematics. Anyway, he had a point, if far fetched at that! We could be controlled by the lowest form of life without our knowledge. Apparently even dolphins had a revelation of what the world was headed into (notice I said what not where), and have been trying to tell us for years. Can't blame me, and other human forms for not listening. Their language is harder than Danish. And take it from me, Danish is not a language, it's a advanced form of galactic medley of confusion (Sorry Hunny, you can kill me later, you know how best)

Happens that religion can explain most things and hence rest our troubled minds as to why we exist. Science can also do that. Big Bang is where the two meets. They fight to differ, and to me, the harder they fight the more similar they get. Like an old married couple. Think about it, if an old married couple to us is along the lines of 10 years to 60years (life expectancy limits the bracket), what about centuries, and still forced to co-habit in the same house (read Earth), deal with the same kids (read Humans) century after century? I'm not a fan of religion. I was born into one. And somewhere along the way I felt like a groupie on some really confused rock band. I got the concept of what religion tried to do, but I saw it fail. Then I wondered why I was in the religion I professed to be in. I got one answer; because I was born into it.

When I really thought about it, I decided to get off the bandwagon and watch from the sidelines. I think this is when I should confess that my not so favourite pastime is thinking, and worrying. About things like; are there homeless children in Alaska, whether the ant that I stepped on accidentally this morning knew that it was going to die today, and if so, it say a proper goodbye to its family, (I worry about that with humans too) whether my pal knew her mother would be dead this time last year, and if so, what would she have done differently, whether I will celebrate my 30th birthday...anyway, that was not the line of thought I was going to follow in this blog.

You believe in the religion you believe in because you (your soul, your nature) cannot accept that death is finality. There has to be something more, otherwise, why do we bother living, why not kill ourselves and get over with. Well, I think suicide bombers have got that covered. That is why we go through the motions of life, because we have given ourselves reasons to, because we humans need justifications, reasons and answers in to Why, which when married to How , breeds very naughty children, namely, When, Where, and the twins, What and Who. We then devote our lives to finding answers, fighting about it, and proving the dominant faith and downplaying the rest.

Are the dolphins really that cleaver they might actually have something to say that if we do not heed to, will lead us to dire straits? If we stopped cutting into Mice and just observed them, would we learn something valuable and hence settle the Ultimate Question? I bet if I were to choose an animal, I would pick Ants. Sorry I know they are not animals... for animals I would pick the pig, for its celebrated orgasmic capabilities. But then, I figured that the only thing I have to worry about in this life is living to the ultimate satisfaction in everything I do, as I don't know what awaits me ahead, and if I spent too much time worrying, fighting and arguing about it, I'll lose on the best things.

Busy as I may claim to be enjoying the best of things, I do worry though; I'm still human, no matter how hard I fight it. Do I worry about religion? Yes. Why? Because it was ingrained in me from the day I learnt the difference between the beauty of fire from a far and the beauty of fire on my fingers. And just when I convince myself that I have safely crossed to the other side without the proverbial troll riding and digging deep into my back, it sinks it claws, from whatever end of my body it was hanging on to. But then I have that special innate ability to be stubborn, even unto myself. Don't' forget that other special gift of not being able to concentrate on anything for more than the time my brain will allow. It selective on what it really wants to concentrate on and there is nothing I can do about that, in this case, thankfully!

Making excuses is not my specialty. But I do like listening to them and wondering how best I would have put it, were it left to me. And by gawd, I would have an excuse for everything in the universe, and to me, everything interconnects. By some cosmic power of pulling elements towards the centre of the earth, all things hurtle towards each other, like the Bermuda Triangle, only at a slower pace. Religion, politics, relationships, business, war... all of it. It's all to satisfying so sort of deficient.

A quest by the human race to prove something to each other, to themselves. Unexplainable does not mean inexplicable. Just because something is unexplainable does not mean that paranormal forces must have been involved, only that we haven't found the explanation for it yet. I could start a whole school of thought and argument with true and untrue theories in accordance with that statement, but I'm not that inspired today. Take it as it is, mull over it in your sleep.

Living without knowing what you are here for, what your purpose in life is, where you are headed is frustrating. Which is why we have higher stress levels that any other living organism. That elevated stress level of animals, say a chimp will be to find it's tree cut down, or it's favorite spot occupied by a pride of lions. Why don't you try for a change, just not think about anything? Live today like you don't have another day like this. Actually, you don't. Today is never a continuation of yesterday, and neither will it ever be a prelude to tomorrow. Different entities, like you and your parents or siblings. You are related, but you are not the extension of any of your family, not even your twin. Think of the days septets, their mother being the week they fall in, their father the month. In the end you will have a father that has 4 wives, and each has 7 kids. Now take 11 more families like that and you have a clan called Year. The only relationship they have? Association by marriage, birth, nothing more.

This blog was not about religion, life, etc. It was about nothing really. It was my weird way of trying to prove something. Now as you were busy reading this, you failed to notice that the first words of every paragraph formed a sentence: Life Is What Happens When You Are Busy Making A Living. Get my drift?

Orignally posted on http://blog.myspace.com/darkangelme on Nov, 6th 2007.

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Booze, Swimming Pool and Music

Originally posted on my former blog on 24th Sept 2007

Sometime two weeks ago, it hit me that I have never celebrated a birthday since I became my own person, my own person meaning since I moved out of home... which is since I was 19 years old. I know that does not seem like a long time ago to most people, but to me, it means a great deal.

So I had a light bulb moment. Pool Party. And this light bulb stayed on for a while until I remembered that I needed a pool to do that, and the filament suddenly blew. Darkness, but the idea still blossomed. So I set out to scout, true Producer style, for a location. We call it Recce. Being the optimist that I am, I even set a date and told all my friends about it. My b/day was on Wed 19th but that's hardly a day for a proper party. This is how a typical or atypical conversation would go like.

Pal: Hey Merc, What u doing for your birthday

Me: Pool Party.

Pal: Nice, where?

Me: On Saturday 22nd, No idea where.

Since I'm known as crazy already, that answer was quite satisfactory for most of them. Lunches are good. Especially those business lunches... When I'm done convincing myself, I'll get to you. I've been trying to get out of a business lunch for the longest time possible, and finally, I contended. The result of the lunch was a pool offer! 4 days to the party, and viola! I love Me(rcy). I had booked the DJ, the two goats for barbeque, alcohol, the works. So now it was to invite, and to confirm stuff. I have never thrown a party before; no one told me that it is stressful. People should be organizing parties for others so that we, the party owners, can enjoy the frigging thing!!

The party was set to start at 5.00pm. I was there at 2 pm to make sure evening worked. I was on phone with the DJ, the Meat guys and the alcohol guys, all at the same time!! Then, as usual, anything, and I mean, anything that could possibly go wrong, started to. There was no grill for the barbeque. I have two rusted grills in the house, which I had mentioned to my pal who was in charge of buying the goats and slaughtering them that I had two grills but had not been used in since Noah left the Ark. He had promised to get others. At 4.30pm, still nothing. So I reminded him about the grills at home. 'Why didn't you say so?' The old cliché about men and listening was once again proved beyond humanoid imagination. So we took off, to my house, which is an hour away. And oh, the alcohol had not been picked, could we pick it on the way to your house. This is when I just stare, because no amount of words would do justice to the emotions inside. And Usually, people just wish I had said something, anything. Oh, by the way, nothing that big or significant, we also had to stop to pick some truck tires (dare you ask), and stop every 15 or so minutes so that they can suck the petrol through some pipe in the engine. no, it was not a prelude to getting drunk, the car would just stop, and that was the remedy. Then the watchmen would not let me out of my flats compound with the grills, because my housemate had not told them that I would be leaving with the grills. But I live here, it is my house! I said calmly. I know that, he said but so-and-so did not tell us you would be leaving with the grills. Why does he need to tell you and this is my house as much as it is his? I asked, now getting a tad angry. But he has not told us. he said. I blew a fuse. You effing open this gate now or you will be sorry. I was shouting, and I did not care. It was 6.30pm, I was not at my party, and already 15 people were there!! And the DJ had just told me that he has not yet picked his equipment! my pal, who was driving, took my phone called my housemate then handed me the phone. All I said was. If you don't tell this asshole to open the gate...then I handed...well, threw the phone at the watchman. 10 seconds later, we were speeding out of the gate. When I get the chance, the watchmen will hear me out. I'm not done, not by a long shot, no SSiiRR!

Short version, I made it to my party, only to find out that there was no power. Good thing, I have patient pals. they were still there, drinking what they had brought. Most of them were too drunk to realize that they were using candles and moonlight, and that there was no music.

At around 9 pm, the lights came back, the DJ arrived and the people were happy. Gordon, the DJ, my fav DJ of all time, one I could have killed just then for being late, played I'll Be, maybe to make me mellow up a bit. It worked, because minutes later, I was in my bikini and diving into the pool.

The next event did not necessarily happen in the order I will tell it. a girl was thrown into the pool. she was very very drunk, and now that I think about it, I don't think she can swim. But she landed next to me, and started flattering around. the guy who had thrown her into the pool was next to her. she was going up and down the water, and that must have been the most bizarre swim style I've ever seen. I say this because some guy had the nerve to say that he thought she was swimming. Suddenly, her arms were around my neck from the back. she was pushing me under, to act as her buoy. I can be underwater for a while, but this was getting dangerous. Especially because her arms around my neck were getting tighter. She was choking me, and I could not hold my breath while being choked. I tried to come up several times but she kept pushing me under, this time, with her legs around my waist. As you can imagine, this was pushing me under completely. Girl is strong. All the stories of people who are very good swimmer drowning while rescuing others were flooding in my head. Vividly. I told myself, do not Panic, Do not panic. Relax. Then I told myself, what the fuck are you talking about, I'm going to drown. Then another thought. I'll drown on my birthday party. Then in a weird twist of thoughts, I thought about Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Do not panic and the towel is the most essential thing to have. I know, I'm weird, especially when it looks like I'll die. My head was suddenly very heavy. My chest hurt really sharp pain in my chest. I must no open my mouth, I thought. And most of all must fight urge to breath. I was blacking out. It was like that feeling I get when am about to fall asleep, the one which am aware of what is around me, but I'm not quite part of it; the one where I feel like I'm being pulled towards a certain cushion of thousands of clouds as soft as balls cotton wool. I had to fight it. So I relaxed, stopped struggling to get up for air. I had tried once to remove her hands from around my neck, but that had meant that I could not use my hands to stay afloat. And with the legs around my waist, using me as a hoist to the surface meant my legs were useless to kick and push me up. Imagine giving a piggyback ride underwater while being choked. Mhh. I dived under, taking both of us deeper in to the pool. I have no idea why I did that, but it worked. She released me, maybe so she could use her arms to flap about. I had this feeling that if I surface; she would go for me again. So I saw underwater. Truth be told, we were not that far from the edge of the pool, but it looked like miles and miles to me. Finally, I touched the wall, and I surfaced! I opened my mouth and I breathed Oh precious air! but my mind was foggy and I could not focus. I was thinking. I almost drowned, she is going to die, it's my birthday party, no one is aware, wait, the guy she was with is swimming away from her, I'm going to black out, or am dying and this is not such a bad death, there is not pain, I want a towel, the DJ is playing 'Why can't I breath' by Liz Phair, weird! (And more weird that I noticed) is Lars going to cry? He loves me; it's not fair so maybe am not dying because I love him (that last part was confusing.) So I fought to concentrate, and I saw that people were aware that she was drowning. No one was making a move to do anything though. It was up to me. Not fucking again, I thought. Then a funny thought occurred. God will really get pissed you are using that kind of language when you should be imploring him to save you. Then I thought, I thought 'pissed' instead of 'angry' so maybe I'm helpless after all. Hooking my fingers into the drainage slates on the edge, and positioning my legs firmly on the wall of the pool, I stretched out and reached to her. I was scared that she would pull me back. it was then, or never. I’m not saying I was prepared to drown, but I knew that if I lost my hold on the edge and lost my footing, and she pulled me, I would not have the strength to fight again.

Somehow, I got hold of her by the arm and pulled her towards me. She was not fighting anymore. I got her to the edge and hoisted her up, to where other people were waiting. How ironic that they were waiting! They pulled her out. I remained in the pool. My arms folded across on edge, my head between then, my feet dangling inside. She was now lying face down, and I thought, she is not supposed to be lying like that. She is supposed to be face up, make sure she is breathing, remove water from her lungs... or whatever, she is out and I want to sleep.

Anyway, that aside, we went back to partying. She went back to drinking. I'd want to know if she remembers the incident. We danced, had meat and more meat, then I had to rush out to but more booze. In the Supermarket, I met these two guys in the booze section. Being the wild one that I am, I asked them if they wanted to come to my party. Sure, one said, where. I gave them directions and thought they were kidding. Five minutes after getting back, they arrived!!! I now had more than 100 people in my party, and the scary thing, I knew more than half of them! I had no idea I knew so many people! (Either I’m that popular or the meat and the booze made me popular that day)

I had the best party ever, and even though it left me virtually and practically broke, it was worth it. We finally left for home at 6.30am and not after the police came to ask us to cut the music and go home. We cut the music and continued swimming. On our way home, we came across this car, packed at a junction with the hazards on. On close inspection, the Driver was asleep, his head resting on the window frame of his door. After a good laugh, I stepped out of our car, walked barefoot to them and woke the driver, who had two other guys in the car with him, all out. When we got home, my housemate fell asleep in the car in the parking lot, as he always does, as my other pals and I went on to get some sleep. We woke up in later in the afternoon, cooked, watched movies, drunk the remaining booze from the party, and the stash that always in the house and played strip poker. For gal who does not drink, I sure do spend a lot of time with booze.

Yeah, I had fun, I said I'll never have another party coz of the stress involved, but I think I'm just kidding. The phone calls I got yesterday proved that I can actually throw an awesome bash!!! It is addictive! And most of all, I really wished the love of my life, my DVP was there. Would have made it perfect, if not a % closer to...

I actually left out the part where some woman wanted to confront me with a 'You want my boyfriend' kinda of thing, which I can’t stand. Needless to say, one of us had to leave, and guess who!

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