December 05, 2006

I'm (going) Psycho!!!!

It's late..and here I am wondering what is wrong with me. Just of nowhere, after seeing my pal, some hours ago my body just shut down and I had to check myself to a hospital. When i got there, i went into a trance, just like that! I just sat there, immobile.Nothing made sense. Everyone seemed to be moving around, lifting this and that, just confusing me, making so much noise and I wanted to scream 'SHUT UP'. i placed my fingers on my ears and the doctor just looked at me. i think he was talking but i was not there. I know my mind shuts off sometimes esp. when someone talks to me for too long. i don't drift away. the voice just fades and i just sit there. I was told I'm like 1% autistic but hey, this was different. Apparently it's my body's way of blocking out stress and psychological/ emotional trauma. I could not fucking believe it!! I mean, I was the epitome of good health and stress free life a couple of hours ago (like when I was writing about my pal who was thrown off the balcony by her b/f).

Then the doctor wanted to keep me
in for the night and I was like , hold on, you don't understand. There is nothing wrong with me, I just need to get my life on track, as soon as i get my mind off youknowho. and we had a fight...literally. And I REFUSED to be kept in. my head was not mine for a while. it was full and empty at the same time. it was throbbing and I could literally see the throbs. I was in for like 7 hours, and it seemed like i was in there for like 30 minutes. Anyway, i did not want o admit that I'm loosing it, that I've played strong for too long and my body is crying foul. i have forced it to stay clam against it's better judgment. It's funny, because i was convinced that i was fine and the worst had passed. apparently the worst is still to come. The psychiatrist (or whatever) said that until i let it take over me, it will be worse as days go by. i don't know how to let it take over me, because, hey, i cried. i can't cry anymore. i mean today I actually did FORCE myself to cry and no tears came !! i know i have not been sleeping, but well, i say up listening to music or reading and i never thought that was abnormal. I think I'm mad anyway. When the doctor asked what time i sleep i said 4 am...and he asked 'that did not strike you as abnormal? I said, 'well, i was up reading. 'for exams?' he asked. 'nope, just books' he shook his head. i have to admit, then i did not see the abnormality of it. He said that my mind is blocking the truth, and the minute i accept it, it will all fall into place. now that a phrase I hate ' fall into place' where is 'place' and when do you know that that is the 'place' they are supposed to 'fall'? i mean i hardly know the 'place', how to get there, and why the fuck i never get there and if it comes by a sleigh of the hand???? anyway, whatever 'place' things' are supposed to 'fall' it never happened to me and that now explains why I'm going psycho??? I'm fucking lost!!

I have ranted enough. I will be put on compulsory bed rest if it happens again, i was threatened. and jabbed with something...my nightmare. but i heard it will make me deliriously happy. and now i feel the first throes of headache hitting, and i have to close my eyes and hope that it all goes away, and my life is back to what it was in May...

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