15 Dec 2006

Stop the World, I wanna get off

I was goona post this on Wednesday (today is Friday) with good news about my life and how I'm coping. I has a marvelous time at Outspan Hotel in Mt. Kenya, wont go into details. It's beautiful place, and I wanna go back, this time with better company.

Anyway, I came back and left for Kitengela same day. My hot-blond-blue-eyed-not-so-very-gay-friend invited me to his house, which borders the Nairobi National Park,and had the time of my life.that is after he had taken me on a jolly drive to the most interior parts of Dagoretti for...MEAT!!! Picture blonde-blue-eyed near Dagoretti Market at midnight...now picture me...fit?

Slept to the sound of the raindrops hard on the iron sheets, snuggled into duvet and had that lonely feeling (well, that always happens if the rain is hard and I'm alone). Then the bad news... my ex ex, (not funny) the Creative Director I talked about - the one who wanted back in (i should have gone!!) got an accident on Sunday (when i as busy 'havin fun' :-) and his best friend together with his wife died on the spot. My ex ex came out a little bit hurt, physically. Mentally, he is tormented. He pushes me away and there is nothing i can do about it. He refuses to see anyone... and it kills me.

Now I'm thinking, just that week, we had argued about him and I and what kind of relationship we had, and how he is never there for me and maybe it's because he is punishing me or my earlier sins. When we fought, we made love. He text-ed me on Wednesday - One-liner ' Wanna shag?' I was not pissed. He was drunk, so i did not take any notice. I remember telling him : I really don't care about whatever he wanted. When I was told about the accident, i was speechless. I fucking cared. I cared that i came close to loosing him. I love him and despite what pulled us apart, i did not want him out of my life like that.True he pisses me, I even piss him off more. But that accident opened my eyes to how fragile life is and why I should hold my tongue, even in anger.

As i thought about him, i remembered my other pal in hospital and i realized that we have no control whatsoever in the direction our lives take, no matter how hard we try. I wondered, i he knew he was gonna get that accident, would he have got into the car? what would have have done differently with his pal who died? If my other pal knew her boyfriend as gonna push her off 3rd floor balcony, what would she have done differently?

I decided it's either i get off this out of control world or i evaluate each decision, each word, each action, as if it were my last.

Oh, i started my new job which I'm gonna quit in January for a month to try another one then make a decision then... life never stops..

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