Rise of the Phoenix...fall of the same.. and bastard men

I told Isabel that I was rising from the water and i felt like the phoenix and she had the nerve to correct me and say that the phoenix rose from the fire. whatever the case, i rose and i felt like what i imagine the phoenix must have felt...reborn!

I have had a feelings conflicting week that made me question the essence of life and why we bother living at all. don't be so quick to judge and relax, I'm not gonna pick the next study looking rope and decide it looks better on my neck that the beautiful silver elephant chain that currently resided there.

I spent the week sourcing for jobs which you guessed right did not get any.Yes, i was given hopes only to dwindle when everything looks promising. I have also been house hunting my ass off (not that i managed to shed any of it). all the same i felt revitalized. After gathering all the guts i could muster, i visited the dentist. After prodding me for a few minutes, he calmly (the nerve!) suggested that i will have to have two molars removed. Well, that did not sound so bad (never had my teeth extracted by some car-mechanic looking object) until i saw the looooooong needle. I actually suggested that he remove the tooth without the anesthetic's!! Anyway, it took 30 minutes for him to convince me that needles don't kill and i could actually live with the trauma blah blah..in short, he had to play psychiatrist before taking over dentistry. He finally removed the tooth, woe to the assistant who got first hand experience of how strong my small palms really are. The next appointment i missed (pretended that i got late visiting a friend). I finally gathered the courage on Tuesday and had the other tooth extracted and my teeth cleaned with some drill sounding machine. Isabel made fun of me all through lunch as I kept complaining that my mouth felt like i had Kilimanjaro weighing it down. To forget the ordeal, i did what takes me away from this world.. I took myself for a movie. Accepted was it's name ..it was worth it though, only because it was a very silly film left all my popcorn untouched. (now why the hell did i even bother buying it!!) On Sunday, i attended an amazing rock show . there is nothing as fulfilling as watching those kids give it their all for something they will look back on 20 years from now and say..i got my first real six string, played it till my fingers bled...me and some guys from school...you know the drill. the heart and gusto they put into their music is amazing and trust me when i say I'd do anything in my power (wallet power) to promote them.

I got a call on Friday from some well know lady who owns a Production House and asked to see me on Monday...today. So i woke up all ready and eager...i need a real job. On my way there, i decide to call a friend of mine, just to say hi.. her friend picks the phone. this is how the conversation went:(names changed)

Me: Hi Cate

A:This is not Cate, this is Shiku

Me:Oh, hi Shiku. where is Cate

A:She is in Hospital

Me: Why, what is wrong?

A: She got thrown off the balcony

Me: What? by whom?

A: Ken (her boyfriend)

Me:f**

A: I know...

Me:f**

A: yeah...

Me: f**..why would he do that?

A: she came home from a night out on Sunday morning and he was angry. pushed her from their balcony..

At this point i lost contact with the world. all i could think of is my pal Cate and her jolly nature. she is such a bubbly gal..she will be the girl who called me for that job in Lamu, and gave me a place to stay when i was still in Mombasa but had to work in Nairobi. I thought about how she told me that my ex was undeserving of me and how i should never let a man dictate how i run my life or affect the decisions i make concerning my life. in short, she drilled sense into me..about a man. In Lamu, we talked about men, including hers and how she should leave coz he cheats on her regularly. One night, they had a fight in Lamu and she sought refuge in my room. he came budging in and was practically pulling her out of the bed. He quit when i threatened to scream.

I wondered why i never took that incident seriously...why she never took it seriously. why she let him back into her life...her house!!! when i started writing this, my ex calls, we were meant to do a job out of town. and he has the nerve to tell me that he is bringing some girl. and i wonder, what is it with men, really? Why would he wanna do that? To make sure he hurts me more? Well, forget about me, I'm still walking around, and my pal is in hospital, thrown from a 3rd floor balcony and now I'm too scared to go see her, coz i just don't know what i will find out. And what hurts the most, is that it was done by a man she loved. a man without a job who she kept in her house.

And i wonder, what is love? why should do we bother? why is life so unsure? why do i even bother living if one day life is gone be yanked off my feet in a snap? why?

I'm currently thing about James Blunt..Out of My Mind, and you should all listen to the words carefully...