December 05, 2006

It's late..and here I am wondering what is wrong with me. Just of nowhere, after seeing my pal, some hours ago my body just shut down and I had to check myself to a hospital. When i got there, i went into a trance, just like that! I just sat there, immobile.Nothing made sense. Everyone seemed to be moving around, lifting this and that, just confusing me, making so much noise and I wanted to scream 'SHUT UP'. i placed my fingers on my ears and the doctor just looked at me. i think he was talking but i was not there. I know my mind shuts off sometimes esp. when someone talks to me for too long. i don't drift away. the voice just fades and i just sit there. I was told I'm like 1% autistic but hey, this was different. Apparently it's my body's way of blocking out stress and psychological/ emotional trauma. I could not fucking believe it!! I mean, I was the epitome of good health and stress free life a couple of hours ago (like when I was writing about my pal who was thrown off the balcony by her b/f).

Then the doctor wanted to keep me
in for the night and I was like , hold on, you don't understand. There is nothing wrong with me, I just need to get my life on track, as soon as i get my mind off youknowho. and we had a fight...literally. And I REFUSED to be kept in. my head was not mine for a while. it was full and empty at the same time. it was throbbing and I could literally see the throbs. I was in for like 7 hours, and it seemed like i was in there for like 30 minutes. Anyway, i did not want o admit that I'm loosing it, that I've played strong for too long and my body is crying foul. i have forced it to stay clam against it's better judgment. It's funny, because i was convinced that i was fine and the worst had passed. apparently the worst is still to come. The psychiatrist (or whatever) said that until i let it take over me, it will be worse as days go by. i don't know how to let it take over me, because, hey, i cried. i can't cry anymore. i mean today I actually did FORCE myself to cry and no tears came !! i know i have not been sleeping, but well, i say up listening to music or reading and i never thought that was abnormal. I think I'm mad anyway. When the doctor asked what time i sleep i said 4 am...and he asked 'that did not strike you as abnormal? I said, 'well, i was up reading. 'for exams?' he asked. 'nope, just books' he shook his head. i have to admit, then i did not see the abnormality of it. He said that my mind is blocking the truth, and the minute i accept it, it will all fall into place. now that a phrase I hate ' fall into place' where is 'place' and when do you know that that is the 'place' they are supposed to 'fall'? i mean i hardly know the 'place', how to get there, and why the fuck i never get there and if it comes by a sleigh of the hand???? anyway, whatever 'place' things' are supposed to 'fall' it never happened to me and that now explains why I'm going psycho??? I'm fucking lost!!

I have ranted enough. I will be put on compulsory bed rest if it happens again, i was threatened. and jabbed with nightmare. but i heard it will make me deliriously happy. and now i feel the first throes of headache hitting, and i have to close my eyes and hope that it all goes away, and my life is back to what it was in May...

My twisted life took a 360degree turn today. Yesterday (before i went bonkers), i had gone for a interview kind of thing. I call it that coz we kept drifting from the topic and talking about stuff about the industry, people, know it ended up being more of a chat than an interview. I think that is how all interviews should be conduced. I think we learnt a thing or four from the conversation other than i want money and they want a worker... they had a good deal i have to say, plus i get a chance to work on feature films. i have been dying to get a gig that big and well, here it is. Then my ex boss (who is housing me now) wants to counter offer that!! she has literally begged me not to take any job this month of December and she will pay to wait until January when she will have made a decision on what to offer me to counter the other offer. THEN, as soon as i came back to Nairobi, i sent out a couple of CV's that did not seem to be doing me any good. this Advertising Agency writes to me and ask show soon i can start. I said we have to meet and review their terms of engagement. At the same time, there is this other woman who wants to talk about me working for her..

Basically, I have offers left right and above, not forgetting center and I'm confused. Do i want the money, do i follow passion? I had this dilemma before i quit my job (which is now calling me back, with a better offer) and then, it was i was not getting enough money and yet i was reluctant o quit coz i loved my job here. Now this is the reverse. I have the place i loved, who did not offer me money, who are willing to do it now, and another one who is offering me the money, plus the chance to expand myself as Production Manager. My dream is to own a Production house before I'm 30 and if that is not possible, to be out of Kenya and working on big-ass productions. One or the other. And i just realized to day that I'm every employers dream. I'm kinda driven by loyalty and in away i felt like i wooed it to my ex boss to stay with her. I love the company yes, but i decided to look at the other one as a potential loyalty receiver.

I'm gonna attend all these interview or meeting and listen o how much I'll let go by pursuing my passion.

I'm so happy to be getting a chance to be going back to work. Funny thing is, ever since i was 17, i have never been out of a job for more than two months. I don't even know why i worry when I'm out of employment!! and most of these jobs just come knocking!! i guess i was to be unlucky in love and lucky in career, and well, i know I'm good at what i do...

So now I'm bracing myself for anew start..literally. New job, new house, new life. I'm feeling like a newborn, only newborns don't have the trauma and scars of the past life (or do they? - Isabel, do not mention the umbilical cord / navel).

Have to go now... i feel so good today!!