June 17, 2008

...I am a godmother. Yes, there are people out there who would not only let me within touching distance to their children, they put their children's life in the line of fire by making me a guardian - just in case they (parents) do what I'll tell you in a few minutes. The world has become such a bad place, I'm now being considered a good influence to babies. The reward? I get to spoil other people's children while pretending that they're mine, and get give them back when they start competing with wolves at night. During the day, new baby Ry looks like this (actual picture of Ry - pretending to be - asleep)>>>

And during the night, he sounds something like this...

...without the musical notes and not nearly as delightful as the moon, notwithstanding the fact the Baby Ry was less than 36 hours when he making that (utterly awful) sound. I just had a thought. To punish Simon Cowell, (for reasons unbeknown to me. It just sounds nice - punish and Simon Cowell in the same sentence), some idle producer with money to waste (also called Ryan Seacrest) should produce a reality show called ' Baby's Got Talent', and have Simon judge it. And to make it even better, he should judge it all by himself.

Babies do not understand any Earth language and any Cowellism would be wasted on them. It's come to my absent attention that he already has strategies to insult them more than he does with adults, and instead of saying thing like -

"I applaud you that you didn't do a ballad, which I would have expected. However, it was a little bit like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger, insomuch as it's not really you."

His producers (a.k.a Ryan Seacrest)has consulted with professional advisors (read Janice Dickinson and Denise Richards) as to how best to approach the language barrier. Those combined great minds have come up with this -

How so ever creative. He has taken an incredibly, utterly forgettable sign and made it his own. Round one goes to Cowell. I would watch that show. It would replace this guy as my favourite man of all time,

who apparently has this huge airstrip on top of his head.

Gimme a minute to collect my composure... wooooosa.....wooooosa, there, where was I?

Oh, babies and godmothers...

Also, i get to bring them up if their parents decide that they've had enough and go jump from the Hollywood sign. Yes, when i have such thoughts about my friends, I make them as glamorous as possible. Helps kill the guilt. This is specially made even more dramatic, considering how hard it is to get a US visa if you are Kenyan - or any other country that sounds like it could be close to Africa, like Mongolia. Not to make fun of the conditions, but i did, at one time, think that Mongoloids are people from Mongolia. Wonder if they have a US embassy in Mongolia? Mmh, gotta check. Even when you are going to see family, you have to prove that your parents who are in the US of A can also support you, and if they are citizens by virtue of Green card, forget it about that visa. If being a citizen on Green card is that bad, why give them out in the first place? I don't have much love for the US, largely to do with their foreign policies, supported by the most ignorant people this earth has the unfortunate task of housing.

Of course there's those few that are ashamed to be called Uncle Sam's products, and have stepped out of their fucking ignorance and come down their stupid plastic high horses... and those are mighty jolly good fellows to be with and around. I have never gotten over a fellow blogger chatting me on yahoo meesager and expressing his astonishment at the fact that i know how to use a computer.. and that we actually do have computers here.

This post was meant to be a tribute to baby Ry...

More on Simon Cowell / Denise Richards / Seacrest's new show here