May 14, 2008

I was going through Pointless Banter's pages and came across a contest. I love contests, especially since i never win any. So why do I love them, because I get to fantasize endlessly on the winning speech I'll give one day.

This one in particular was asking the reader to post an answer to those hard hitting questions that teenagers send to Seventeen Magazine. It went like this:

Q: “What is the best way to let my mom know I’m pregnant?”

My response...

Dear confused pregnant teenager,

Unless your mother is the crazy, psychotic non-understanding type, she will definitely understand this one.You could tell her-

Mommy, i have something important to tell you. Danny and I were studying in the bedroom. We were setting up our apparatus for the Biology experiment. I was noticing that his apparatus kept growing huge and mine kept leaking. Suddenly, i tripped and fell coz the floor was now very wet. I hit Danny, who fell on top of me. Our apparatus got tangled on to each other. Every time i tried to get up, Danny pushed me down. He looked like he was in a lot of pain so i let him stay there for a while. Mom, you should have seen the expression on his face. After a few minuets, though it seemed shorter than that to me, his howled - like a dog does to the moon, only the dog sounds better - and collapsed on me. I think he got tired of trying to extricate himself. Funnily, his apparatus grew really small and it slid out.

You were parking the car by then , i did not think it was important to bother you with that. Plus Danny said it happens a lot during biology studies.

Do you think I'd have won the $25 gift voucher?

I moved to Barclays Bank a few months ago, only because it sounded more international than 'The Bank Around the Corner'. OK, there is no such a bank but there will be if the current trend of naming bank in Kenya continues.

Barclays managed to convince me to get a credit card after years for refusing one. One salesman from my former bank did take me for dinner once to bribe me to get one. He tried to pay for dinner with his credit card, which was declined. Good going Sir!

After my LA trip, i was over my limit by thousands of shillings. Barclay Visa Card representatives kept calling me day and night- I'm serious to tell me that i was over limit on my card. One day they call me at 8.00 pm on a saturday and my patience- which i don't have much of to begin with- hit the roof. I calmly listened as he told me that my credit card was over the limit blah blah. I cut the guy short. (i would love to do that literally too). Like to about 2 feet, would make it easier to trample on him. I asked him if Barclays Bank was now a 24 hour bank. He said no. I asked him what time the bank closes on Saturdays. He said noon. I asked him what time it was. He said 8.15pm. I asked him if he calling me from Kenya. He said he was. I wanted to get clear on some things before i attacked him. And if he was a clever bloke, which he did not seem to be, he should have known where this line of questioning was leading to.

I told him that since I cannot do any banking at 8pm, whether on a weekday and definitely not on a weekend, I had no idea why he was calling me at that time to talk tell me what i already knew. I also made him understand that i had received about 6 calls that day only to tell me the same thing. He told me he could not see any rep who had logged in a call to me, which is why he called me. I told him i all the previous reps who had called me used the same line, and he should ask his superiors to change the 'How to lie to customers who are pissed off because you called them about the credit card limit at 8 pm on a Saturday evening' Manual and also I asked him if it was a matter of life and death. He said no. I asked him what I was supposed to do now that my credit was over the limit. He said i needed to put in money so that i could balance it. I asked him if it was possible to do it at that time. He said no. I asked him what was the Banks earliest convenience. He said Monday from 8.30 am. I asked him why he was calling me on Saturday at 8.15pm to tell me to balance my credit on Monday. He said he was sorry. I said that was not the answer to my question. I asked him if i went into the bank at 3.15 pm they would let me in. He said possibly. I asked him which one (most banks, including mine close at 3 pm in Kenya). He said any Barclays Branch. I asked for his full name and employee number so that if they refused to let me in, I could quote him, and also for his cellphone number, to call him if the security guards got rough with me for refusing to leave. He said he was sorry.

I let it go. On Monday morning, I called the Credit Card section and asked to talk to the Head of Credit blah blah. I had a very long conversation with him. Agreement - unless Barclays Bank is being robbed and they are calling me to tell me that my money is in danger, or it's on fire and they need me to help put out the fire to save my savings, no calls to me before 8.30 am and after 3.00pm. I got a deal. Not that I have lots of money in the bank. I wondered why, but then i thought, wouldn't any bank worth it's cents try to please a customer who always goes over her credit card limit?

I have a habit of keeping all receipts, including withdraw and deposit slips in my bag. I was clearing my bag and came across a withdraw slip. I never paid attention to what it says at the back as I'm always concerned on how much it says i have left in my account. I could not help but smile --

Free indeed!

Weighty Issues

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Los Angeles. I was on business as well as a fact finding mission. I wanted to see the fat people. If Americans (and the rest of the world) come to Africa -read Kenya to see the animals, and in between will always ask for trip down the biggest slum in Africa 'to see how those poor people live' why can't I go to US of A to see those poor obese people?

And so everyday i got out of my hotel room, I would keep my eyes peeled (that taken literally is quite disgusting and painful sounding) for obese people. Why? Because i wanted to know why we have size 0 in America, which also happens to be the country that people proudly walk around in such t-shirts.

I also realized that even Google is denial...when i got this response from my search

Did you mean: Fast relationships

'Nuff said

I'm in relationship that everyone thinks is the funniest thing ever, George Bush excluded. My boyfriend lives closer to the North Pole than to me, and like the holidays, I get to see him once a year. If you ask me, that is the perfect relationship. I just unlocked the door to the obscure and confusing world of relationships. I get to spend close to 8 months analyzing what he did during those four months that we are together, and by the time I'm done, I have forgotten exactly which situation pissed me off the most and he gets to spend 8 months forgetting how bitchy I was half of those 4 months. No, not really...He spend the 8 months birdwatching, occasionally calling me to check whether is till remember his name. I love him, do not doubt that. Though lately i have been questioning how realist i am being when it comes to my love life. Never before has 'love life' sounded so real - I mean, that's all we have. A love...

Thinking is one thing I do not enjoying doing, especially about my life. It always leaves me confused. How I'm i supposed to solve situations if I'm the one who got in to them in the first place. Doesn't the fact that i got into those situations mean that I'm not a good judge at all? A while back, I fell in love (or landed in the mucky stuff purporting to be love) and moved towns to be with the one. A few months, we discovered that we are as compatible as a shark and a dolphin - guess which one i was. So in packed my bags and moved back to my town. When I was not looking for love, it hit me in the face, left me for dead, and when woke up, i had a concussion the size of Texas...oh, and in love. It's a good idea to familiarize yourself with a situation, especially one that is know for making people 'fall in and out of'. I was getting round to doing that, when the Danish viking left (not me, the country. But that also means that he left me. In the case of relationships, i understand that if i say he left me - it means he did away with the relationship. No, not at all. He left me, but not really left me. See what i said about me thinking?). After pillaging and raping - all with verbal, and sometimes pleaded consent, in case you were getting worried.

So why I'm i in this relationship you ask? Ok, you probably don't have the guts to ask me but you are thinking it. Becasue of such text messages:

Boyfriend: Blah Blah..i'm 110% into our relationship, i wnat it to work bcoz i want you and us..

Me: Wonder what the 10% more is.. Love you too

Boyfriend: The 10% is when my schlong grows hard (of course he did not call it that)

Me: Does it grow by 10% really?

Boyfriend: Yes! of the total body weight.

I was still laughing when this came in

Boyfriend: If i loose 50 kgs.

Now, isn't that what relationships should be made of?