May 21, 2008

...get dreadlocks.

Seriously, not even giving your real email address or instant messenger ID gets you more perverts that having dreadlocks.

I've had my dreadlocks for almost 2 years now, and i have to say, despite them being a life saver when it comes to salon time and money, and going a great way in helping me get ready about half an hour faster than my female counterparts, it has somewhat been the bane of my existence.

I get in to a bus and this guy slides on the seat next to mine. I can see by the look in his eyes that he is going to talk to me, and secretly thank heavens for my Ipod. No, that does not deter him. He pokes me. Not the Facebook kind of poke. The annoying one-finger-digging-into-your-arm kind of poke. I removed my earphones and gave him my best this-better-important-or-I'll throw-you-off-this-bus-look

Are those real?, he asked, pointing to my locks. Yes, i said and put my back my earphones. Seconds later, another poke. Yes? He asked - How long have you had them?.

Two years. Do you mind?
I said indicating to my earphones.

Just wanted to tell you that they are really good. I like them. Calmly, i replied -Thank you. With a sigh of relief that my dreadlocks were not about to be the next big Kenyan attraction, went back to my music.

Five seconds later...

I almost screamt..

Wanted to ask your name. He said.

I'm not going to tell you my name, not now, not ever, not even if you and came back as two piles of cowdung in our next life! I told him. Now, please, leave me alone!

Another one scenario:

In a grocery store, I'm the secondin line. Three guys stand in front of me. They are waiting for change from the cashier.They start talking about my locks, loud enough for me to hear. One pokes me (I'll get poke-holes on my body at this rate)

I turn look up - with a not so welcoming look. I know i have a stare that even my viking is scared of.

What? I ask

Not so harsh rasta lady. just wanted to tell you that your locks are hot. Then goes ahead to take one and wrap it around his fingers.

Excuse me? I snap. You shameless jerk!

He apologizes...with a snigger. I turn to the grocery store lady, whose been watching.

I ask for my bread (which is what i wanted) Hair shampoo and conditioner. Charge the shampoo to this nice youngman, i tell her.

Gladly, she responds. And I walk out. The jerks are complaining. But she still has their change and it's enough to pay for both my shampoo and conditioner.

Yesterday i went for dinner at my friend D. No much whining done yesterday - from either side. Okay, i did. Said i was lonely. Part of what got me invited for that dinner in the first place. Could have told him that I was too lazy to cook, or that my fridge had a something that used to be edible, now looks like it's going to crawl out of the refrigerator soon.. with a whole clan in tow. No, had to play it subtle.

His estranged girlfriend is very argumentative, which is why is she is estranged. Told him if it's personality thing with your partner, better call it quits, or have them undergo brain surgery that changes personalities. He mentioned a hard word - cranio-something (damn) involving a brain surgery involves removing some parts of the brain, leaving a person completely useless, or in better, politically acceptable terms, a vegetable. And that was the end of that bit of the conversation.

Later, we were talking about dating some guy, and I said something like - Dating that guy would be as interesting as dating a ham sandwich. He looked at me and asked. Do you have much experience in that field? Well, i began. No...but it beats dating a vegetable, say a cabbage.

D mmhhh-ed me. When someone mmhh's you, it either means that a) they are not paying attention, b) they are wondering how to respond to you and c) Wondering whether you are still speaking the same language as them.

So would you date a cabbage?, he asked. Not the white ones, I said. Maybe the red cabbage. Got more personality.

I went home and thought about food and sexual fantasies. and wondered whether there is a term for sexual attraction to food. I found some:

Yeastiality - Sexual activity in which bread or dough is the focus of erotic desire.

Sitophilia - Sexual arousal by involving food in sex

Then I came across this one which we all suffer from.

Homeovestism - arousal of a person by wearing clothing appropriate to his or her gender. Isn't that also called being human?

No publicity is bad publicity. Ask Paris Hilton. Ok, bad advice, she'll probably tell you how dressing a chihuahua in an outfit matches yours is the best way to get on CNN. or sleeping with someone else's husband, or DUI, or making a reality show on all the above.

But all that will be good ways of getting publicity, compared to what I saw in the news today. Since Heath Ledger is dead, and the fact that the land Down Under can milk on the publicity the Tasmanian Devil cartoon character for only so long, they had to some up with ways to remain on the news. I think I would resort to such measures if my country was tucked away - no, that is too nice - crammed and stashed away in the end of the universe, faced with a prominent fear of being forgotten. A long time ago, they decided to be a continent, thus clinching the title of 'Smallest Continent'. That goes with the title of the 'Worst Places to Visit'. No, not by me. By Wikipedia. I swear. Don't believe me? Click Here.The argument behind this (no, not argument behind the reason why it's one of the worst places to visit- no one knows why for that one, it just is) is because the island sits on it's own tectonic plate. Not gonna go into that, don't know what it is, if you care, Google it. I dislike anyone who uses hard words to confuse me. I refuse to be intimidated by tectonic plates, or any other plates for that matter. They used that same hard (plate) word on Greenland when those freezing dudes up there wondered why they were not a continent too. Told them that they shared wildlife with North America while OZ had your face!!! I'm sure they said, and sent this post card (as displayed in the Greenland Museum of The Continental Status Quest)

If we were to, say by some sort of really really bad luck, agree with OZ argument for being a continent, then Madagascar should as well be! Apparently, of the 10,000 plants indigenous to this African Island, 90% are found nowhere else in the world. (that includes Australia, by the way). 90%! I'll do the math for you. That is a total of 9,000 plant species. Did you hear that Australia? Of course you did not, you're too far down in the hemisphere. Why do i even bother?

Talking of things indigenous to countries and continents brings me back to the Australian scientists. They used to, along long time ago, have an animal called the Tasmanian Tiger. This animal became extinct, maybe because they made it a delicacy. I don't know. Whatever the reason, the want to bring it back to life. And they have. Only this time, with some mouse elements in it. And it looks like this. (Disclaimer - Viewers discretion advised. Contains Nudity, Sex, Violence , a mouse, a Tasmanian Tiger and nothing else. If you don't see how sex is involved, you're probably too stoned. Animal Rights Activists will surely see the Violence. If you can see the Mouse, please save it. If you can see the Tiger, Kill it.)

Try as i may, i cannot come up with one good reason as to why they did that. Australians are not concerned that that is how their tax money is spent, if they are, well, they are too far for the rest of the world to hear them. I'd welcome Nate Smith to give me ten reason why he thinks they did though. And I'd welcome any mice lovers to hold demonstrations on behalf of the mice. And I'd ask Douglas Adams whether mice will still take over the world, at this rate, they really should, and start with OZ while at it.

And to the Aussies, please do not call that thing a Tiger, Tasmanian or not, whatever you do, please don't.
(as requested by Tigers Association of the World)